This behaviour can permanently damage relationships. Why do we do it so often?

3 months ago 13

And so this is Christmas ... and the prime time for grudges to resurface, along with the tinsel.

Not all grudges stem from family relationships but, whatever their origin, they can create a well of hurt that can be years deep, says Elisabeth Shaw, chief executive of Relationships Australia NSW.

Grudges can go on for years but are they worth holding onto?

“I’ve seen siblings drift apart for decades, and when you hear what triggered the rift, it’s often something quite ordinary that could have been worked out. Moments that happen at Christmas, or events like weddings or funerals tend to take on extra weight that can make small issues feel much bigger. But when the distance lasts for years, it’s incredibly sad,” she says. “It takes a lot of fuel to maintain the rage, and the work you do to keep it going can affect your mental health.”

Rumination, mulling over what was said or done, makes especially good fuel.

“It’s as if by revisiting the hurt and gathering more evidence about how you were wronged can make you feel as if right is on your side,” Shaw says.

We all ruminate sometimes, but too much can put us at risk of mood disorders such as depression, says Emily Upton, a clinical psychologist with the Black Dog Institute who is researching an online program at St Vincent’s Hospital in Sydney to help overcome rumination and worry.

“Rumination keeps us feeling stuck in a feeling rather than taking steps to address the problem,” says Upton. “It can play a role in holding a grudge because we might be repeatedly going over how we feel about a conflict, rather than finding a way to move forward – like working it through with the other person or finding ways to see it differently. Sometimes you need to breathe fresh air into it.”

But the rest of us, friends or family of someone nursing a grudge, can often do the opposite, fanning the flames of rumination by nodding in agreement and reinforcing the sense of being wronged.

“They’re trying to be supportive but it can make it hard to move on if no one’s offering another point of view in case they seem disloyal,” says Shaw. “But it’s better to say, with empathy, ‘I’m worried that this is eating away at you – is there a way of letting go of this?’ or ‘Could seeing a counsellor help you see things differently?’ ”

Anyone can hold a grudge for a while but some of us are more likely to harbour them for years.

“It may be that it was an incident that’s hard to get past, but it can also be to do with personality style – some people are more likely to hold on to negativity or to see the glass as half empty.

“People who have more confidence and stronger self-esteem, and who see the glass as half full have more to buffer them when things go wrong,” she says.

“It can also happen because you’re from a family where grudges are nursed, or maybe it’s a family where one member feels different or is convinced their parents treated them differently.”

How can you let go of a grudge?

“People sometimes find a way to grow beyond it and, as family members grow older, they often see things differently or acknowledge that the person they’re angy with has changed for the better,” Shaw says.

“But if there’s a dark well of resentment, it’s worth seeing a professional or be open to the idea that there could be another way to manage the hurt that could benefit you.”

Moving on from a grudge can transform relationships in the longer term,

Upton adds, “It might also involve communicating with the person you’re angry with about how you feel, and to try to understand their behaviour from their perspective. With a strongly held grudge, you may need extra help from a neutral third party like a psychologist to help work through the problem calmly, so both people feel heard.”

But it doesn’t always have to involve the other person.

“You could also talk to a friend or therapist to look at other ways to see the situation that might help you feel more neutral about it, like, ‘maybe they didn’t mean it personally’. When we’re ruminating, we often repeat beliefs about a situation, like, ‘she’s never respected me’ that might not be accurate and that just fuel our anger,” she says.

“You can also brainstorm actions that might help, like choosing to forgive and let go, or maybe setting boundaries in the relationship, for example. This could be resuming limited contact with the person in some settings, such as when you are with other people, and sticking to lighter topics. You might come prepared with phrases to help reinforce your boundaries, like ‘I’m not going to discuss that today.’ ”

This won’t fix a grudge straight away. But if we find ourselves sinking back into rumination, there are ways to cut it short, Upton says.

“It’s helpful to name it (‘this is ruminating’), remind yourself it’s not helpful, and redirect your mind back to the present moment and whatever you’re doing. Switching locations or activities can also help shift your mind away from rumination. Or you could try ‘postponing’ your thinking about a situation to a set time of the day – 20 minutes at 5.30pm, for example.”

“We’re also close to Christmas which for some relatives is the only time of the year they ever see each other. If someone’s holding a grudge they might wonder if they should stay away,” says Shaw.

“But it may also be an opportunity to ask yourself if there’s another way of looking at this before you miss out.”

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