Is an open relationship for you? Five questions to ask yourself

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If you were to use popular culture as your guide to romantic relationships, it is almost exclusively focused on the search for ‘the one’. That is, finding – and keeping – the person in your life who can meet all your needs for emotional and physical intimacy.

But what if that notion of choosing just one person to be our everything for life is where we’re going wrong? What if the key to a sustained and meaningful relationship lies in finding more than one person to meet those needs as we grow and change? While there’s not a lot of data available locally, a survey by Relationships Australia found that 6 per cent of respondents had been in an open relationship, with higher rates reported among younger people.

An open relationship can work, if you enter into it with the right preparation.

Sydney-based counsellor and relationship therapist Samantha Forbes specialises in open and polyamorous relationships and says they can take many forms, depending on what a couple agrees upon. However, the two most common are sexually open but emotionally monogamous relationships where you agree you can have sex with others but maintain your primary emotional relationship, and polyamorous relationships where you agree you can have multiple romantic partners at both a sexual and emotional level.

The kind of open relationship will differ for each couple but, before even starting a discussion, Forbes says it’s worth doing a little self-reflection first.

Do you have time for this?

If you’re not one to invest a lot of time in your existing relationship, or you already have an over-scheduled life, then a functioning open relationship may not be right for you and your partner, says Forbes.

“It certainly does complicate things,” she says. “It is a really pragmatic question, but ask yourself: do I have the time to be open? The more people you’re involved with, the more time it takes.

“The polyamorous or open relationships that I see and work with that work the best are the ones that spend a lot of time talking, processing, supporting each other, navigating their way together. That’s a good formula for monogamous relationships too, but it doesn’t necessarily happen.”

She points to the Niki D 7 Stage Model which takes couples through not just what an open relationship would look like, but also agreeing to checking in with each other down the line and fine-tuning what each person is comfortable with. In short, it takes time, which not everyone has.

Why do you want this?

Forbes says it is worth examining your own motivations before discussing the idea with your partner, especially if it’s the first time you have thought about it.

“People often will be taken by surprise because they will suddenly notice that they are attracted to somebody at work or they will be out for the night and they will see someone who really turns them on,” she says. “So, quite a spontaneous entrance into this idea of opening the relationship.”

For others, it’s a slow awakening to their sexuality, which may no longer be reflected in their primary relationship.

“I worked with a heterosexual couple in their 40s where he began to realise slowly that he was attracted to other genders, particularly to other men that had not been available to him,” Forbes says. “They had been together for a long time and she began to realise through our conversations how important this was, not just about sex but about his identity, so she agreed.”

While there are plenty of right answers for wanting to open a relationship, there are some wrong ones too, says somatic therapist and certified sex and relationship practitioner Georgia Grace.

“Ask yourself: What is exciting or hot or liberating about this? What is drawing me to this?” she says. “If it is because I don’t want to f--- my partner any more and I think this will be a Band-Aid for both of us, then that’s something to take to couples therapy.”

Wanting to open the relationship because one partner has cheated and the other wants payback is another red flag.

“You first need to create safety and do it in a way so it is not about revenge,” says Grace.

Presenting it to your partner as a dealbreaker for the relationship is also highly problematic.

“Any time an ultimatum is said, someone cannot fully consent to that,” Grace says. “It’s not collaborative or ethical and it is not the foundation of a good non-monogamous relationship. It’s not safe – it’s manipulative.”

For some couples, it is emotional intimacy with others that sparks jealousy more than sex.

How are you going to feel about your partner being with someone else?

Grace says an easy place to start is to imagine your partner becoming close to another person, either sexually or emotionally, and examine the feelings it conjures up for you.

“What do you notice and how do you feel when you think about your partner going on a date or having sex with someone else? If you are anxious or disgusted or feel unsafe, that’s a useful response to listen to,” she says.

Jealousy is often cited as one of the biggest barriers to a successful open relationship, but Forbes says it’s not always the sexual act that causes the greatest rifts.

“The emphasis on sex in open relationships is a little bit problematic because more often than not, serious difficulties in monogamous relationships that have decided to open occur when somebody has started to have emotions for somebody else,” she says.

Men in a heterosexual relationship who propose opening it up can also be surprised to discover that their wife finds it much easier to find potential partners than they do. Again, says Forbes, it’s unwise to generalise. Some couples, she says, experience “compersion” or “sympathetic joy” from watching their partner’s happiness.

“When you really love that your partner is enjoying themselves and you get a sense of satisfaction from seeing your partner happy, that’s compersion.”

Who will you tell?

Even if you’re comfortable with the idea of opening your relationship, it doesn’t mean everyone else is. Grace says how and when you decide to share information is up to you.

“A lot of people will just not tell family, or the kids, or certain people who they feel will judge them, and I think that’s important for the couple to decide,” she says. “A lot of people will not feel safe sharing that with others and that’s OK. It’s like a coming-out thing – no one has the right to out your relationship structure to others and people will make that decision based on their level of comfort.”

Are you ready for change?

All relationships ebb and flow but an open relationship can create even more unpredictability and turbulence. Forbes says for her heterosexual couple, an open relationship was just the start of their journey.

“They did take their time opening the relationship because it wasn’t about having met someone else. He was dating others for about a year- and-a-half before she decided to date,” she says. “He had always encouraged her but she had to work on issues around her own attractiveness, being in her 40s and having her partner wanting to have sex with someone else.

“Unexpectedly, she quite quickly met a man who she fell in love with and she separated from her husband.”

Grace says others find an open relationship really works for them, as long as they embrace the change.

“It will change you but it can be really fun and so hot for a lot of couples,” she says. “A lot of people see their partner in a new light and they are more turned on and they feel safer in the relationship.

“A lot of couples feel more connected and alive.”

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