Why science says you should let your dog lick your face

2 months ago 16

Opinion

December 13, 2025 — 5.30am

Dear Mum and Dad,

It’s your dog Clancy, writing from the city. I have some urgent news to share. It seems that by licking all the humans in my family, from the babies up, I’ve been helping them to develop nice personalities. Well, nicer personalities than they might otherwise have developed.

My achievement has been revealed by Japanese research into the human microbiome, released last week. The microbiome, apparently, consists of all the weird bacteria that swim around in the stomachs of humans. (I may have some of the details wrong. I’m not a scientist. I never really bothered.)

The point is that the main researcher – Takefumi Kikusui from Azabu University – studied 343 teenagers. The youngsters who lived with dogs were happier and more sociable than those who lived without dogs. The children with dogs also had guts which contained several useful species of Streptococcus bacteria – a bacterium linked to reduced depression and efficiently delivered via a dog’s saliva.

Hurrah. Finally, proof of what I knew all along. It’s vindication of my years of enthusiastic licking, often conducted in the face of a chorus of shouted criticism. Some of the children in my circle first achieved their language skills in an effort to make me stop licking their faces. Their phrases included “Oh, yuck”, “That’s disgusting”, and “Go away Clancy”.

The sentence construction was impressive, but also hurtful. But it didn’t stop me. I make the point: It is the brave pioneer who continues his mission in the face of constant approbation.

Is there anything dogs can’t do? We cure asthma, we teach kids to read, we make humans exercise and – it now appears – we cure their depression.

Of course, people say you should “never allow a dog to lick the face of a baby as disease may be communicated – and in the case of an expensive dog…” That’s a joke from Lennie Lower, which Man insisted I include in this letter home. He thinks it’s very funny. He’s been trying to work it into a column for years.

My point is the baby is the beneficiary of my licking, alongside any other humans who might be licked along the way. Every dog, I now think, should be given a Medicare provider number. One lick from us could prove more efficacious than 20 years of Freudian therapy, and at a fraction of the cost. Dog breeds such as St Bernards or Bloodhounds, with their great ropes of slobber being flung around the room, would be allowed to charge double. If they slobbered over a whole family, with one spectacular arc of slobber, slapping into the faces of children, parents, aunties and nannas all at the same time, they could bulk-bill.

OK, I may not understand the meaning of the term “bulk-bill”. I’m not a doctor. I never really bothered. Which, by the way, Man says is a joke from Tony Hancock. He thinks it’s very funny. He’s been trying to work it into a column for years.

Tony Hancock and Lennie Lower aside – I’m too young to even know who they are! - I wonder whether other aspects of dog behaviour will now receive the imprimatur of science. Will the hillocks of hair that I leave around the house be seen as a “microbiome booster”? Will the mud I tread into the house be applauded for introducing valuable “trace minerals” into the home environment?

Already, there’s a rich field of science celebrating the impact of dogs on human health. There’s a theory, for instance, that asthma is caused when children grow up in a household that is too clean. The child’s antibodies have nothing to fight against, so the body turns in on itself. No risk of that around here! The place is a stinking disgrace, for which I take no small share of the credit.

But that’s not all. We dogs encourage humans to exercise, constantly whining to be taken for a walk. And we permit ourselves to be patted, at moments when we know our humans need a bit of contact. We also make sure humans get out of bed at a healthy hour. We dogs define a “healthy hour” as 5am if we’re hungry; and 6am if we’ve been fed enough the night before. Which is another way of saying, “Would a slice of cheese, a ‘dinner desert’ served at 8pm, really be such a mistake?”

And here’s another thing from this week’s news: the British press has praised our ability to get children to read. We have the same scheme here, I understand, but over there, it is making headlines. Dogs are taken into a school classroom and the volunteer dog just sits there, expectant look on their face. Normally, the children are bored by reading a children’s book, but with the dog listening, a queue rapidly forms to read the story aloud. Which is fine, I guess, as long as it’s not 101 Dalmatians.

Is there anything dogs can’t do? We cure asthma, we teach kids to read, we make humans exercise and – it now appears – we cure their depression.

We’re just happy to be of service. Part of me always wished I’d studied psychiatry. Now, given this research, I know I was right to ignore the urge. “I never really bothered,” just like Tony Hancock, whoever he is.

Love,