When ‘harmless jokes’ aren’t harmless: What it will take to change the story on domestic violence

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The beast is ugly, powerful, and runs rampant through society. It can be bold and brazen or quiet and unassuming.

It destroys the lives of the people it touches and often, like a disease, spreads and destroys the lives of those around them too.

The “beast” is the men who mentally, physically, sexually, and emotionally abuse women.

I can already hear the chorus of “it’s not all men”.

We know it’s not all men, but if I’m certain of anything it’s that every woman has or will experience the beast in some form.

Whether it be an unwanted hand on the small of your back, a slap on the arse while out at a bar, being sexualised for what you do, say or wear, being told to smile or getting honked at or heckled when you walk down the street.

Or getting beaten, raped, or murdered.

These things happen all too often, and it means that, even when the beast isn’t around, women act as if it is.

Car keys gripped tightly in hands, location settings left on, phone calls home, hands over drinks, walking where it’s lit. The list goes on.

But it doesn’t matter what women do to stop it, sometimes the beast still wins.

Eurydice Dixon texted her partner while walking home: “I’m almost home safe, HBU?”

Eurydice was a few hundred metres from her home in Melbourne when she was raped and murdered. She was 22 years old.

The beast isn’t always strangers hiding in the dark. Sometimes it’s people we hold close.

In early 2020, Hannah Clarke was driving her three young children to school when her husband doused the car in petrol and set it on fire.

He then took his own life after destroying theirs.

This is why it doesn’t matter that “it’s not all men”. It’s enough men.

Enough to stop women doing things they love. Enough to change how women act and where they go.

But now enough is well and truly enough.

The prolonged treatment of women and ongoing attitudes many groups of men have is just one reason the beast still thrives.

As Cook said this week: “Disrespect doesn’t always lead to violence, but we know that violence always starts with disrespect.”

Disrespect like that spouted by self-proclaimed “misogynist” Andrew Tate, whose hateful, sexist and dangerous messages circulate and garner significant attention online, despite the 38-year-old facing charges in Romania that include rape and human trafficking.

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It can also take the form of messages and memes that circulate as “harmless jokes”.

Sexism, misogyny and the objectification of women isn’t something Tate created, but he did amplify it.

Comments made in private between friends may seem OK. Jokes coming from your mates who you trust may not strike fear.

But for a small portion of men, they aren’t “just jokes”, and they show approval of certain thoughts and actions, allowing disrespect to fester and grow.

For many people, the escalation doesn’t make sense. How can a joke lead to murder?

Cook has an insight: “Violence proliferates when endured.”

Comments and thoughts become unwanted touches, unsolicited dick pics, and empower that group of men to think they have a right to something to someone.

Many of us have made excuses before – “he didn’t mean it like that, it’s a joke” – but we have to stop.

The beast is not something women can tackle alone. We need men to speak up and join the conversation in a productive way.

It’s time to let the good guys be a clear and vocal majority. Change the dialogue and change what is cool and accepted.

It’s not enough to silently support women or share in their disgust one-on-one when the abuse happens.

You need to stand up to your mates when they make distasteful remarks, are too heavy-handed, if they share or show partners’ nude photos – or do much worse.

It is also something we as a society need to understand is complex and have faith that good people can make mistakes.

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