The Ashes fifth Test day three recap: The fumbling, bumbling moments that sum up England’s miserable summer vacation

Like some miserable holiday slideshow, back from when people were subjected to those things, day three of the fifth Test featured a montage of vivid images that summed up England’s Ashes.

Will Jacks scrambling beneath a Travis Head slog in front of the Bill O’Reilly stand, only to duck his head and eyes away from the ball for the tourists’ 14th dropped catch of the series.

Michael Neser’s 90-ball vigil as nightwatchman lasting more than twice as long as any innings Ben Duckett has played this series (he faced 40 balls for his 28 in Perth). England burned two reviews trying to winkle the Queenslander out.

The second, a full LBW shout that proved to have pitched outside off stump, rendering the review null and void, came with bowler Brydon Carse and wicketkeeper Jamie Smith as the only English players within 40 metres of the batter. The rest were spread to either the boundary or halfway there – for the nightwatchman, that is.

Whether 25-year-old Smith, enduring a mostly wretched first Ashes tour, had the certainty to pipe up and shoot down England’s call upon the DRS, is doubtful.

As the morning rolled on, Travis Head brought up another century and motored on to 163, with England regularly over-pitching for him to hop onto the front foot. Meanwhile, Ben Stokes bowled a seven-over spell with the old ball, shouldering an inordinate load once more.

“I can’t fathom why Ben Stokes – England’s best bowler – is bowling the donkey overs,” ex-England captain Michael Vaughan asked on Kayo. “Why bowl with a 70-over old ball when there’s a brand new one [to be taken]?”

Stokes kept a lid on the contest as Australia slowly whittled away England’s lead, with the new ball offering hope of a breakthrough or two. Neser had done so the previous day after all, triggering a run of 4-37 when Australia took the second new ball to end England’s first innings.

Except the tourists didn’t have a Neser, and certainly not a Mitchell Starc. They had poor old Matthew Potts.

At various points throughout his first Test on Australian soil, England’s fifth-choice paceman for the tour was flirting with the most expensive economy rate ever seen by a bowler first-up on these shores.

Potts’ figures eventually improved from his early nine runs per over. The 27-year-old eventually managed to limit Australia to just one boundary an over instead of two.

At the other end, Brydon Carse matched him. The point that was made when he was first thrown the new ball in Adelaide still stands – he had only bowled in that role in 20 overs of his domestic career before being asked to do it with the Ashes on the line.

“England have gone with the tactic of using the worst two bowlers in this innings with the new ball. Twice,” Vaughan moaned in commentary.

When Steve Smith brought up his 50 with a crunching drive – who needs footwork when you’ve got a dead eye and half-volleys to pummel? – he made his favourite little U-shaped hand gesture.

Weird areas to anyone else. The ultimate alpha-ing in Steve Smith’s world.

Usman Khawaja was out to a Carse full toss – the dismissal of a retiring 39-year-old if ever there was.

And Alex Carey fell into Stokes’ leg-side trap for the third straight Test. More proof that England have had their moments, and that Carey will continue to be targeted for a rash leg glance until he reins it in.

Maybe most telling, though, was Jamie Smith marching up to the stumps for Potts’ 125-130km/h offerings. In an attempt to keep Steve Smith in his crease, the England wicketkeeper imitated Carey’s fine work to Neser and Scott Boland this summer.

Yet even with the ball starting to shoot low on a wearing SCG deck, Steve Smith still taxed risk-free boundaries from the generous wide balls Potts offered.

Two months (and 16 days of Test cricket) ago, England arrived for the Ashes with Jofra Archer and Mark Wood leading an attack dubbed one of the fastest ever to fly under the St George’s cross.

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Wood lasted 11 overs. Archer belatedly threw a punch in Brisbane, backed it up with a couple of flurries in Adelaide then bowed out of the series with a side strain. Gus Atkinson followed with a torn hamstring.

Josh Tongue has since emerged as the tourists’ most threatening bowler, Carse has been all effort and all too short, and Stokes has bowled himself into the ground as usual.

At one point in the afternoon, Ollie Pope and Jacks almost collided trying to field a single. And when another run was pinched in front of a flat-footed Duckett at cover, Stokes cut a sweaty, swearing, sunburnt figure as he trudged back to his bowling mark.

It was perhaps the most fitting shot of all in England’s Ashes slideshow.

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