I want to tell my co-workers something, but what if they react badly?

September 12, 2025 — 5.01am

I’ve gone through a difficult period in my private life. I have spent a lot of time wondering whether this is something I should tell people at work – my direct managers, but also others I work with regularly.

On the one hand, I think my work, or at least my moods and demeanour, has been affected and will continue to be. I want people to understand that there is a reason for that; I don’t want this to be a secret I keep from people I respect. On the other hand, I hate the idea of being felt sorry for or being tiptoed around. I don’t want this to become an excuse or a reason to be treated differently.

I know it’s difficult to say without knowing what experience I’m talking about, but nonetheless I would like some advice on whether to stay quiet or tell the truth.

Sharing personal news with your colleagues can feel like a big step, but it’s almost always the right thing to do.Credit: John Shakespeare

I’m really sorry to hear about your recent struggles and I understand your unwillingness to go into details. Yes, it can be a little bit tricky to provide guidance without knowing the ins and outs of a situation, but when I spoke to Dr Andrew Dhaenens, of the School of Management and Governance at the University of New South Wales, he was confident his advice would apply in numerous different circumstances.

“The feeling of not wanting to burden others with our troubles is a common one,” he said. “However, the right answer is that you should. This is especially the case for close peers and supervisors. Whether they care about you individually, or it’s simply impacting your performance or relationships at work, it’s important for them to know.

“We do this for all the same reasons that you might tell your friends or family that you are having some struggles at work; it is so that they can help, alongside the possibility that it could be affecting them too.”

‘I would be willing to bet you feel a massive weight being lifted once you share.’

How much should you disclose? Dr Dhaenens said that this should depend on who you’re telling and the shape of your professional relationship with them. But he said that members of your team had the right to know that something was going on and could only help if they knew.

“‘I haven’t been feeling myself lately’, ‘I’ve been dealing with some problems at home’, ‘Something major happened to me, and I’m still recovering from it’. These are normal problems [for which] we might need some advice or a friendly voice,” he said. “People at work, such as our peers and supervisors, play a critical role in supporting us, especially when we meaningfully lack this type of support in other areas of our lives.

“Being able to share your stresses, struggles and failures is a key part of high-quality relationships at work. Supporting others is about working towards shared goals and helping them navigate their challenges together.”

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If divulging this information seems like a big step or, as you’ve mentioned, you fear being treated differently, Dr Dhaenens says you don’t need to make it a big deal, and you can do it as privately as you want.

In a one-on-one meeting, for example, you should feel comfortable beginning by telling your boss or close colleague why you’ve hesitated in bringing the subject up. You might even explicitly state: “I don’t want people to feel sorry for me.”

Dr Dhaenens said: “Once you bring it to their attention, the answer you will almost definitely hear is something similar to ‘I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. We understand.’”

Dr Dhaenens said co-workers might even reveal to you that they wished you had told them sooner. And there’s also a strong possibility you’ll be asked if you’re seeing a professional about the situation.

“Nearly all employers these days have employee assistance programs – often referred to as EAPs – that offer free support or at least a referral service,” he said. “I hope you can reach out to your team and find the support you need. I would be willing to bet you feel a massive weight being lifted once you share.”

Send your questions through to Work Therapy by emailing [email protected]

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