‘I want a hairy forearm’: what this TV host looks for in a partner

Each week, Benjamin Law asks public figures to discuss the subjects we’re told to keep private by getting them to roll a die. The numbers they land on are the topics they’re given. This week, he talks to Jonathan van Ness, the Emmy-winning American TV personality, 38. Best known for his work on the Netflix series Queer Eye, van Ness is also an author, podcaster, comedian and hairstylist.

MONEY

You work as a hairdresser, author, TV presenter, stand-up comedian and podcast host. Each of those jobs is huge in and of itself. Why are you doing all of these things at once?
It’s a really good question. Honestly, I think I have a little bit of a work compulsion. It used to be drugs and sex, but I don’t do those things like that any more. I feel that my mission statement is spreading self-acceptance by modelling joy and curiosity - and I love the things that I do. That’s why I do it: I’m passionate about all of those things.

What’s the one financial lesson you wish you could go back in time and offer yourself?
When you’re scaling a business, if you’re not growing, you’re shrinking. So start small.

Say I give you a hundred bucks and you have to spend it on yourself in the next hour. Go. What are you buying?
Cookies.

And what do other people indulge in that you can’t understand or abide?
I’m not going to yuck your yum. I get it. I like me some ugggggly purses and some of them are expensive as shit; other people just would never. So I get it. I get it!

SEX

When I say sex, what’s the first thing that pops into your mind?
Fun!

I love that. What were you told about sex growing up?
That it was meant to be between a man and a woman. Also, when I was growing up, it was really the height of the AIDS crisis. It’s jaw-dropping - the intense, shameful messaging that we were all so exposed to around queer and gay sex.

How did that affect you?
It attached so much secrecy and shame to sex that it became something that I didn’t talk about in my normal day-to-day life. Now, it’s so much nicer. There’s less stigma around gay sex while young queer people have opportunities to date, talk to each other and talk to trusted adults in their lives. That’s how we have healthy, safe, connected sex.

What kind of guys were you attracted to growing up? The same kind that you’re attracted to now?
Yes! Principal. Senator. Daddy. That’s still very much my arousal template. I want a hairy forearm.

While we’re on the subject of beautiful men, your husband, Mark …
Well, he’s very much in that template. And I’m also excited for ageing because he’s just getting hotter as he gets older, which is so fun.

What’s sexy about him?
Oh, my God … well, I love his red hair. I love his beard. He’s obviously physically super-hot classically and he just has … [pauses, considers] … oh, my God, I’m not saying it in this magazine.

What would he say if I asked him the same question about you?
In couples therapy – today! – we were literally talking about this! He said – as of three hours ago, this is insane – “I love your body”. I lost 70 pounds recently, but he was like, “No, I’ve loved all of your bodies. They’ve all been so hot!”

RELIGION

Was religion part of your upbringing?
Yes, very much so. Episcopal.

What was its rhythm in your life?
Every Sunday, I was an altar boy. Then, when I was maybe seven or eight, I started going every summer to this Christian sports camp in Branson, Missouri, for two weeks.

Did you like it?
I loved it. But then it was really heartbreaking for me realising and reconciling the fact that I was super queer.

Where have you ended up?
I think you can be Christian and queer simultaneously. I believe that we’re all connected in some way. I also believe that Jesus of Nazareth is our Saviour and if everything I’ve learnt is true, he’s going to be so mad about how some people are treating other people right now. Judging queer people, deporting immigrants, ripping kids from their parents, forcing women to give birth? God would never accept any of that.

We see in you someone who’s super-confident. Do you ever doubt yourself and, if you do, how do you navigate that?
I might have insecurities, but the question is, how do you treat yourself through the insecurity? How do you keep showing up? How do you stay resilient? Some insecure parts of me might experience doubt, but I think I’ve proven to myself so many times that I can overcome my worst fears and do things that feel impossible.

When was the last time you lost your faith in something or someone?
[Very long pause] Okay. So, in 2023, I lost a close family member really suddenly … I want to talk about this without talking about it because it was my sister-in-law and I’m really protective of my brother and his kids.

Oh, Jonathan, I’m so sorry. I understand.
That rocked my faith and my sense of the world because it was just so out of the blue and devastating. I actually prayed to Jesus for the first time in years. It was the worst tragedy this generation of our family has faced. I lost faith in the world. It was such a bad year and such a sad experience, but one thing has allowed me to regain that faith: watching my brother and his kids carry on her legacy.

Jonathan Van Ness will be bringing his show, Hot & Healed, to Sydney’s Opera House on February 26 and Melbourne’s Hamer Hall on March 1.