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First of all, allow yourself to feel shocked, because there’s nothing like the audacious spectacle of an uninvited self-portrait. If a gentleman (or gentlewoman) elects to display their assets without proper invitation, consider this an indication of their character.
The proper response depends on your sensibilities. Has this impromptu artwork left you thoroughly appalled? Perhaps a light quip or a sharp rebuke is in order. For example, “Thank you for that kind reminder to pick up some baby carrots.” Or how about a tactful silence? It serves as a subtle reminder that courtship is a delicate dance best conducted with decorum.
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If you would like to continue to converse, make it clear such advances are premature. And remember, genuine charm and good taste rarely require such bold displays.
First impression tips … Subtlety is key
Catch their eye with grace, for a mere glance or smile can prompt even the shyest admirer to step forward.
Add a touch of mystery
Leave some room for intrigue. A hint of uncertainty can heighten anticipation and encourage curiosity.
The first date
We’ve only been on one date, but it went really well. Should I delete my dating profiles?
I fear your willingness to curtail the possibility of other alliances might be premature. Deleting your profiles sends a signal of seriousness and intention – a sign that you are all-in on this single connection. But it might have the adverse effect on your suitor, should they find out and feel you’re coming on too strong. Steady yourself – it’s not time to pick out the wedding list just yet! Keeping your options open may be the most prudent course – whether you choose to engage with new connections or not.
First date tips … Dress to dazzle, but for yourself first
Choose an ensemble that bolsters your confidence, rather than constricts your lung capacity, for nothing captivates more than self-assurance.
Don’t be drawn into judgment too quickly
The time it takes to sip one sherry is not nearly enough to fully know a person or their suitability as a partner.
Making a good first impression at social engagements starts with a confident entrance. Pride & Prejudice (2005 Universal Pictures).
The ball
I’m about to meet their friends for the first time. How can I make a good impression?
Meeting your beloved’s companions can feel like a salon of scrutiny. Yet, a calm countenance and a kind smile will earn you more favour than any show of enthusiasm ever could. Aim to be engaging, but not overly familiar. A few thoughtful inquiries about their profession (“What is it that you do?“), or their estate (“Do you live in London too?”) will endear you to them and help the conversation flow naturally.
Just be your usual charming self and allow your wit and wisdom to shine in small doses. A well-placed compliment or genuine chuckle will win over the hardest hearts, without sacrificing a jot of dignity.
Ball tips … Enter with grace, not grandeur
A quiet, confident entrance often speaks louder than gold, glitter or uncovered flesh.
Dance like no one’s watching
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If dancing isn’t your strength, remember: enthusiasm (and a shot of tequila) goes a long way.
The dinner
They ordered food for both of us without asking me first. Should I say something?
It appears your date has assumed a rather forward approach! While some may view this as a charming display of initiative, others may feel their preferences (and allergies or intolerances) have been callously disregarded.
If you are inclined to address it, a light and playful approach is best. When the food arrives, you might smile and say, “How adventurous! Though I’d love to choose my own dish next time.” Or, “It would never occur to me to try the steak medium-rare.”
This should communicate your predilection without causing offence. If they take the hint and grab you a menu, all is well; if they don’t, you may have uncovered an inclination to lead the dance without your involvement. In that case, consider if their captaincy aligns with your tastes – both over entrées and in life. Will they always insist on sourdough instead of olives? Will they never order dessert because their PT will be mad?
And, worse, will they deny your desires beyond the dinner table?
We both reached for the bill at the same time, and now it’s awkward. Should I insist on paying or let them take care of it?
The awkward dance of settling up is as old as time. Should you both extend your hand for the bill, a delicate rather than bullish approach is best. Politely say, “Allow me”, and observe their response. If they truly wish to pay, gracefully accept their offer, as it may be an act of gallantry or habit on their part (or they might have a two-for-one voucher).
However, should they hesitate, you might insist on treating them. Be sure to include a brief aside that they can get the next one. This affords the further pleasure of inferring another date is imminent.
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Remember, sharing the cost of an evening is a mark of mutual respect and modern sensibility (as well as a necessity in most quarters). If they insist on treating you, a simple “thank you” will bring an elegant close to the matter.
Dinner tips … Confidence over claret
If your enjoyment of the evening doesn’t rely on a glass of wine, be proud of your sparkling water. Authenticity is far more intoxicating.
Beware the menu mismatch
If their tastes exceed your budget, seek out venues that satisfy both their cravings and your purse.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Pride & Prejudice (2005, Universal Pictures).
The sex
I don’t have the body of an Instagram influencer, and I’m worried they’ll be turned off when we get naked.
Firstly, let me offer a most liberating truth: what matters most is not one’s shape or form, but the confidence with which you carry it. Alas, the perils of comparison are something everyone is sadly too familiar with and must work hard to overcome. Your companion, if they are worthy of such an eyeful, is interested not in mere facades, but in the beauty of your soul and the tenderness of your touch. Remember, too, that vulnerability is one of the most alluring qualities a person can express. But confidence is the finest form of allure.
Failing that, get under the covers, count to three and bare thyself. It’s like ripping off a plaster, except with the potential for an orgasm shortly afterwards.
Sex tips … The best performance in bed isn’t an act
Curiosity, communication and a willingness to laugh are far more seductive than perfection.
Confidence is the best bedroom attire
No filter or influencer physique can outshine someone at ease in their own skin.
The ghosting
I’ve developed the ick and am no longer interested. Is it OK to ghost or do I owe them an explanation?
Good manners would dictate that a brief explanation is warranted. You have dined and danced with this person, maybe even invited them into your bedchamber. There’s a chance your sudden absence will hurt and confuse them, which I’m sure the gentle person within you would prefer to avoid. If, however, you take the trouble to explain your feelings and curtail the attachment, and they continue to pursue you, a ghosting is not out of the question. It might be the only way to prevent further persistence.
Ghosting tips … Don’t waste time on second chances
One unanswered text might be an oversight, three are a sign. Put your phone away and preserve your dignity.
They’re just not that into you
While a kidnapping or infectious disease are possible, they’re far from probable. Stop seeking answers and start moving on.
And finally ...
If you will allow me one last pearl of wisdom, remember to show yourself the grace you endeavour to project towards others. Making connections, showing vulnerability and embarking on intimate relationships is not always easy. But if you can let kind hearts see your own, and share yourself fully, then there is romance to be relished, one fan flutter at a time.
The Telegraph, London
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