Detained in China, Cheng Lei missed ‘being a human’. One defiant act helped her survive

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Each week, Benjamin Law asks public figures to discuss the subjects we’re told to keep private by getting them to roll a die. The numbers they land on are the topics they’re given. This week, he talks to Cheng Lei. The Australian journalist and author, 50, was detained in Beijing by China’s Ministry of State Security in August 2020 before being reunited with her family in October 2023. Her book is Cheng Lei: A Memoir of Freedom.

“Yes, my son is spending too much time on devices … but I can see him – and watch him grow. Life is precious.”

SEX

You were born in China in the last days of the Cultural Revolution and migrated to Australia at 10. What were you told about sex growing up? Well, I remember my first real awakening about sex coming in the first months after we got to Australia. I was reading one of those family-health magazine Q&A sections. When I mentioned the word “lesbian” or “homosexual”, my mum slapped me. Around the same time, Mum, Dad and I were in another newsagency in the city and I went straight to the porno section. My dad went berserk! [laughs] So, for me, there’s always been this fascination with what can’t be talked about.

In your memoir, you write about defiantly masturbating while in detention [Cheng, who was working for a state-owned media company, was accused of supplying state secrets overseas]. Why was it important for you to stay connected to your sexuality? I liken prison to death because it takes away everything that’s human about you: colour, companionship, connection, touch, nature, music. You survive by holding on to what’s inside you that’s still human – whether it’s being kind, noticing the tiniest things of beauty or singing to yourself. People ask me what I missed most and I say, “I missed being a human. I missed being myself.” I think our sexuality is probably the most honest part of ourselves. Connecting with that made me feel I was still free on some level.

To express ourselves sexually – and honestly – is a fundamental freedom, right? Look at those Chinese bureaucrats on television. It’s almost as if they’re not allowed to be sexual beings. But they’re human. It’s really sad. Sometimes, to get through press conferences with those same bureaucrats, I used to imagine their [orgasm] faces [laughs].

RELIGION

Lei meets Foreign Minister Penny Wong at Melbourne Airport in October, 2023, after she was released from detention in China.

You’ve endured arrest, unfair detainment and isolation from the world and the people you love. Did you lose your faith in anything? No. I think the biggest freedom is still having faith and hope in human goodness. And there’s something very, very moving about people praying for you – strangers – out of kindness. I went to meet one Catholic sister who wrote to me from Perth, and she showed me the chapel and the prayer board [a physical board that helps organise communal prayer sessions] where they prayed for me. When I went to my daughter’s school, they talked about how they had prayed for my family. I was very touched. I know that religion can be very divisive and incite people to evil and violence, but it can also be uniting. And I’ve found the Zen Buddhist mantra that life is full of suffering very helpful. I got to this point where I realised that peace of mind and serenity were the ultimate goal, rather than so-called joy.

How often did you lose faith that you’d make it out? I had signed a leniency agreement, so I had a five-year sentence that I was counting down. Of course, in the Chinese system, everything can change, but I just willed myself to live each day. My cellmate, Canto, used to say, “If you live the day in a grumpy mood, it’s a day gone. If you live it in a happy mood, it’s also a day gone. We’re stuck here, so we may as well have a laugh.”

You’ve been through a very specific version of hell. What’s your version of heaven? I got up this morning and I had a fridge full of food. Contrast that to thinking, “I’ve got probably 50 grams of milk powder left; how am I going to make it last?” And yes, my son is spending too much time on devices during the school holidays, but I can see him – and watch him grow. Life is precious.

What was the last thing you changed your mind on? Nationalism. I cringe or wince at the word. How stupid we are to be spending time fighting each other. It’s such a base instinct that we should always repel and resist.

DEATH

You’ve said that being detained for 1154 days by the Chinese Communist Party is as close to dying – and wanting to die – as you’ve ever come. Can you expand? I think the point of RSDL [Residential Surveillance at a Dedicated Location] is to make you want to die. Then you’ll do whatever they ask. Recently, I was on China’s version of Quora and there was a question: “What is the most disgusting job you’ve ever done?” One person used to be an RSDL guard, who was only there for a couple of weeks. He says three years later, he still has flashbacks about how awful it was.

Wow. And that was the guard! Yeah. Another guard said, “On my first day, I saw someone try to kill himself by banging his head against the wall.” Another person said he guarded somebody who bit off his own finger.

Oh, my god! It’s so dehumanising for everyone involved in that system. It’s torture. But people know me as a life-lover. Even when I’ve gone through terrible things – like domestic violence – I’ve still had this lust for life. [Detention] was probably the lowest point, but I rejoice in regaining my freedom. It’s a rebirth. So I’m firing on all cylinders. I’m much braver, have a thicker hide and even more of a f--- it attitude. I’ve got my scuba-diving certification. I went skydiving. Latin dancing. And I strongly believe in the power of being your own good person. Obviously, we can feel helpless against state machinery and the tyranny of politics. But we can be nice to somebody – and we can speak up, adding our own voice, however small, to a chorus.

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