Another end of year event to go to? Why it’s (really) OK to say no

3 months ago 22

Nothing quite says the Christmas party season is upon us like Mariah Carey announcing, “It’s time,” via her annual social media video. And with the 2025 clip making the rounds, we’ll soon hear continuous loops of All I Want for Christmas is You – and see our social calendars quickly filling up, too.

But while catching up with friends for a Christmas cocktail might be fun, wrangling a carload of kids to attend a futsal break-up or sourcing a themed outfit for your spouse’s work party may not be your idea of a good time.

From office parties to end-of-year school events, the round of social engagements can feel overwhelming.

Being less than enthused about a seemingly never-ending list of social events is common, says clinical psychologist and author, Dr Rebecca Ray.

“This time of year often comes with emotional pressure to be cheerful and available, even when we’re exhausted,” she says. “Not all social interactions are nourishing. For some, large groups or surface-level conversations can feel draining. Others may struggle with social anxiety, family tension, or simply being ‘peopled out’; this is especially the case for introverts.”

And this, Ray says, can be a bit much.

“When connection feels performative instead of genuine, it tends to deplete rather than restore us. The mix of social expectations, end-of-year fatigue, and a sense of obligation can make boundaries harder to hold.”

When to say ‘no’

In the name of wellbeing and boundaries, how do you decide what invites to accept and which ones to decline?

“Check in with your energy and intention before saying yes,” says Ray. “Ask yourself: Will this event leave me feeling lighter or heavier? Am I saying yes out of joy or guilt? A simple rule is to prioritise what feels meaningful, aligned with your values, or genuinely restful and to let go of the rest. Your nervous system is a better guide than your calendar.”

Chief executive of Relationships Australia NSW, Elisabeth Shaw, says that context also matters when deciding whether to attend a social event.

“Think about the history of these events. What do you look forward to, and what do you not?” she says.

“Is there a recent conflict or something from last year unresolved? If so, think about addressing it now. Ring the person involved and say, ‘I want better for us this year’ – without blaming or taking the blame.”

It’s OK to say no sometimes, especially at this time of year when events can pile up.

How to say ‘no’

While deciding how to respond can be difficult, so can declining an invitation. How can you do this without upsetting the friend or family member who has extended the invitation? Etiquette expert Jo Hayes says the way we communicate our “no” is important.

“Good manners and basic social courtesy dictate that we respond to an invitation with grace, courtesy, and respect,” she says. “Communicating the fact that we are grateful for, and appreciate, the invitation, and express either our delight/joy in being able to attend, or, conversely, our disappointment/regret that we are unable to attend [is important].”

Hayes says even if you are not personally disappointed or regretful that you are unable to attend, you should still express an apology.

“[It] is a polite and respectful thing to include in one’s RSVP,” she says.

A wrong way to decline an invitation, according to Hayes, would include not thanking the host for the invitation and not expressing an appropriate sentiment of regret.

“One wants to avoid sounding blunt – it’s disrespectful and uncharitable, and basic poor manners,” she says.

An example of this would be responding, “We won’t be able to attend.”

“[It’s] incredulous that any human could think this is an appropriate way to respond to an invitation – it’s so blunt and rude,” says Hayes.

Associate Professor of psychology at Australian Catholic University, Dr Megan Willis, agrees that there is a right way to decline an invitation: being honest and kind.

“Thank them for the invitation and clearly state your boundary. It can also help to suggest another time to catch up, which makes it clear that you’re declining the event, not the person,” she says.

While the best way to decline will depend on the circumstances and the nature of the relationship, Willis says one example might be: “Thank you so much for inviting me. I really appreciate it, but I’ll need to sit this one out. I’d love to catch up another time, though.”

Willis adds that often, we worry unwarrantedly about declining an invitation.

“We often imagine that saying no will upset others far more than it typically does,” she says.

But if saying no does hurt the invitee, respond by acknowledging their feelings while maintaining your boundary.

“Validating how they feel can help reduce defensiveness and preserve the connection,” says Willis. “A response such as, ‘I understand you’re disappointed. I value our relationship and would love to catch up another time,’ shows empathy without compromising your boundary. ”

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