Were you not entertained? Satisfied? Making sense of a rogue Boxing Day Test

2 hours ago 1

Opinion

December 29, 2025 — 5.30am

Such was the frenzy that was England’s successful run chase at the MCG on Saturday that at one point, Ben Duckett played an orthodox forward defence and was greeted with the sort of roar a crowd usually reserves for a rasping straight drive or a soaring hook. The erstwhile rule had become the exception.

Duckett ramped poor old Michael Neser for six (ramped! You can see the game’s veteran wincing at the very word). Zak Crawley straight drove the same bowler for a different six. Jacob Bethell played a scoop to the first ball after the tea break and got away with it. Between times, Brydon Carse had come and gone as a kind of guerilla at No.3 and literally was running as he went. He’d made six. Meantime, Usman Khawaja signed autographs at third man.

None of these are bad things in themselves, but collectively they beg the question: what was that? Almost nothing about the Boxing Day Test computed. Not the pitch, not the way both teams played on it, not the rush to the finish, not the outcome, another exception to the general rule. Nothing fitted into any known Test cricket algorithm. It was Christmas cricket, novelty by the sleigh-ful, ho, ho, ho.

How to process this? Instinctively, the temptation is simply to call this Test maverick, a mulligan for Australia, a get out of jail free card for England, a wildcard all round. It might even be granted its own category in the records. Good performances can stand, for who would deny Bethell and his suave first impression, or Josh Tongue his valour, or several others on both sides who toiled at what was vaguely recognisable as Test cricket.

But the failures should be allowed to have their contributions expunged. At least four Australians would jump at a free pass. England can keep their win; they’re rare enough in this country, deserved by their long-suffering fans, not to be confused with insufferable. Australia can write off their loss, less so some of the, well, England-ish cricket that led to it. This was one for the sealed section.

Travis Head, leading runscorer in the series, signs autographs on what should have been day three of the Boxing Day Test.

A rare combination of rogue pitch and dead rubber meant that by the fourth innings nothing could be lost that was not already lost or gravely imperilled, and that includes the dignity of the game itself. It made for cricket almost entirely without consequence, the essence of Bazball. It’s a rare circumstance for Test cricket.

The alibi is obvious enough. In Perth, the batting was culpable. Here, the pitch largely to blame. Feel for curator Matt Page; he got caught between a meteorological rock and a hard place. I can’t remember so many playing and missing, and by so much. No one made even a half-century.

But this wasn’t the first bad pitch in history, or the worst. For more than a century, until recently, batsmen were expected to tough it out on such a bed of nails, wearing them and winning them, counting the bruises as they went. Perhaps it was only ever out of some old, militaristic expectation of duty, to stand in the line of fire, a death before dishonour thing.

“This wasn’t the first bad pitch in history, or the worst. For more than a century, until recently, batsmen were expected to tough it out on such a bed of nails, wearing them and winning them, counting the bruises as they went.”

Anyway, it’s nearly extinct. It’s not the modern mindset. Mostly, there is neither will nor much wherewithal to sweat it out. The series has tumbled along at nearly 11 wickets a day, and that’s not all England’s doing. Australia’s most Bazball-ish batsman is Travis Head, and he is by far the leading runscorer in this series, and a darling of the crowd.

Besides, it ill-behoves Australia to be too critical. This time last year, we loved the audacity that teenager Sam Konstas brought to Test cricket. But we also worried that it wouldn’t last. It didn’t.

Ben Duckett hits a ramp-shot six off Michael Neser.

So was this a match of its moment, in a series of its moment, an outlier – or was it a forerunner?

The world continues to spin, sometimes it seems out of its orbit. In the media box, old timers shook their balding heads. I was one. But older timers did not always approve of the later old timers in their time. Dread to think it, but maybe this is Test cricket now.

As far as it went, it was a box office success. A record crowd the first day, 90,000 more the next, a third 90-plus crowd robbed. Of course, they bought their tickets in advance, not anticipating this. How could they? But that is sport’s curse and charm in one; you get what comes. More broadly, the BBL is playing to packed houses and the WBBL has just had another bumper season.

These are salad days, and the style of cricket must be of some account in it. It’s hardly gourmet to some, but it is skilful in its own way, and it is at least dramatic. Much as many would like to wall off this Test, it might not be possible. Besides, some five-day Tests of yore should have been euthanised before their time.

When it was done, the mood was decidedly muted. The Barmy Army chanted away, but there was no whooping and hollering from the England players; hugs and handshakes were enough. Historically, this was a meaningful win. As Crawley and Harry Brook and Bethell and Jamie Smith grow into their talent, and if England prevail in 2027 – which is eminently likely – it will be reviewed fondly as a turning point. But in the context of this series, it was hollow.

As for the manner of the match, one could ask as did Russell Crowe’s Maximus Decimus at the Colosseum in Gladiator: Were you not entertained? Of course we were. But were we fulfilled in all the ways a classic Test match fulfils, with its lulls and surges, twists and turns, crescendos and diminuendos, its suspense, its narrative arc? Hardly. In the gloriously storied annals of Test history, was little more than a skit. So let’s call it a bye and move on to Sydney.

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