‘Turnoff audits’ and solo trips: Relationship experts share their best tips

You might be surprised to know how many articles and columns are born out of the real-life conversations, conflicts and years-long negotiations with the partners of writers.

At this point, our husbands are resigned to it – and they know that there is probably more material to come. Experts have told us many times that relationships need ongoing attention and maintenance, no matter how long you’ve been together.

It’s worth the investment: nearly a century of research has found that close relationships are one of the keys to a happy life. So we’re always on the lookout for tips to keep your connection strong and healthy (and ours, too).

Here is the best advice that we’ve heard from experts so far this year.

Invent your own ‘love language’

The “5 Love Languages” concept proposes that the ways people express their love for each other fall into five categories: gifts, acts of service, compliments, quality time and physical touch.

But some experts say that a love language can be anything that you use to express affection.

For instance, Nicole McNichols, an associate teaching professor of psychology at the University of Washington and author of You Could Be Having Better Sex, says that her love language is “goofing around”.

Research shows that playfulness, which might include inside jokes or pet nicknames, builds intimacy. When you’re having lighthearted fun together, McNichols adds, “you show a side of yourself to your partner that might be a little bit silly and different from what you show the world”.

Being attuned to both your own unique love languages and those of your partner can strengthen your bond, experts say.

Don’t stop at ‘How are you?’

When we ask our partner, “How are you?” the answer is often an automatic response such as “fine,” said Leslie John, a professor at Harvard Business School and the author of Revealing.

Instead, John recommends swapping “How are you?” for “How are you feeling?”

Dropping in that one word can make the conversation richer, John says. “That gives the person an opportunity to say something a little less rote, and they’re going to pause and consider their answer,” she says.

John and her husband often ask each other this question when they come home from work. It opens the dialogue, because “there are so many different ways you can respond,” she says: “You can be snarky, or safe, or talk about something that’s bothering you.”

Craft a solid ‘heads-up sentence’

If you have to raise a difficult topic with your partner, don’t blindside them, advised Jefferson Fisher, the author of The Next Conversation.

Instead, prepare your mate with what Fisher calls a “heads-up sentence”.

Start by saying, in a neutral way, that you’ve been concerned about something, such as “‘Hey, I’d like to get something off my chest,’” Fisher says.

Or you can set a collaborative tone by saying, “I need your help with something that’s been bothering me,” he says.

Then give a preview of the topic, so the person isn’t “gripped by fear and thinking, ‘I’m in trouble,’” Fisher says.

Keep the preview brief and specific, he says, such as “We need to talk about our credit card bills.”

Try a ‘turnoff audit’

A powerful way to address low libido or desire discrepancies in a relationship is to spend some time thinking about the stuff that turns you off, says David F. Khalili, a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Francisco.

People often try to address low libido by adding a new element, like a different sexual technique. Instead, he often urges his clients to start by identifying one or two things that tend to take them out of the mood – and work on eliminating them.

Libido killers can be deep and thorny, like one partner feeling criticised by the other. But they can also be something simple, like a pair of beloved ratty pyjamas that – while comfy – don’t exactly set the mood.

Consider a solo holiday

Travelling alone may not seem like it would be a boon to your relationship. But Lisa Marie Bobby, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver, believes it is an “extremely healthy thing for all couples to at least consider”.

That’s because time apart can reintroduce a bit of novelty into a relationship. And it can help foster healthy independence.

“There’s this misconception that in healthy relationships partners do everything together,” says Tracy Dalgleish, a psychologist and couples therapist in Ottawa, Ontario.

If the idea of solo travel brings up trust concerns, or feels like a form of avoidance, those are relationship issues to pay attention to and address, experts say. But for many couples, spending a few days alone on the beach or bird-watching with buddies may be just the reset your relationship needs.

Expand your definition of sex

Sexual health experts often emphasise that one of the biggest libido killers is trying to feel desire on demand. And it can be particularly important to expand your sexual menu, so to speak, as you age and experience physical and emotional changes and challenges.

Indeed, one of the biggest superpowers that people who enjoy healthy sex lives into their 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond display is simply a willingness to experiment – and an unwillingness to define a satisfying sex life by frequency or even by whether it concludes in orgasm.

As Kate Thomas, director of clinical services at the Sex and Gender Clinic at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, explains: “When you’re 80, and you have some arthritis, the idea of jumping on each other isn’t always in the cards.”

“It’s those couples who are willing to adapt to those changes, and still make it fun, that go on to have a good sexual relationship,” Thomas adds.

The New York Times

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