The power of negative thinking: Why ancient stoicism is a popular tool for modern living

12 hours ago 3
By Brigid Delaney

October 19, 2025 — 5.00am

A few years ago, my application for a pay rise had been declined and I was livid with rage. Didn’t my boss see how hard I was working? Hadn’t I been on the same salary for years while others seemed to leap ahead? In the heat of my anger and disappointment, I was certain the right thing to do would be to quit my job immediately. That would show them!

But then I took a breath and wondered, would the only person damaged from that rash decision be me? According to the ancient Stoics, the answer is yes.

When you look objectively at a bad situation, it is shocking the amount of hurt you cause yourself by acting out of anger or through a hurt ego or pride. The Stoics call this a second suffering. The first suffering can’t be helped – you didn’t get the pay rise (a decision made by someone else) – but often we suffer twice because of how we react.

When you look objectively at a bad situation, it is shocking the amount of hurt you cause yourself by acting out of anger or through a hurt ego.

When you look objectively at a bad situation, it is shocking the amount of hurt you cause yourself by acting out of anger or through a hurt ego.Credit: Getty Images

Think of being snubbed by a friend who didn’t invite you to their wedding and then stewing on it for years, keeping a chip of ice in your heart with their name on it. Or being passed over for a promotion and then being spiteful to the colleague who succeeded, much to their bafflement and hurt. Or heavy traffic caused you to be late for your flight, which added to your stress and anxiety and required a large G&T in the departure lounge just to calm your nerves.

Events such as these are often not under our control, but what we can control is how we react to adverse situations. That’s why, in times of trouble – when I’m dealing with anger, anxiety, stress, annoyance or self-doubt – I reach for the ancient philosophy of Stoicism to guide me.

Stoicism was established as one of the philosophical schools in Athens around 300 BC. The ancient Stoics had been through a lot – wars, exile, plagues, famine – and in response had devised brilliant strategies for not just getting through life’s hardships but thriving. No wonder the philosophy is enjoying a resurgence.

The word “Stoicism”, though, has a PR problem. It conjures images of men in togas, carved from marble, looking serious. Or worse, a kind of life-denying dullness – no pleasure, no softness, no fun. Who wants to sign up for that?

The word ‘Stoicism’, though, has a PR problem. It conjures images of men in togas, carved from marble, looking serious.

But when you get past the branding, Stoicism isn’t about grim endurance. It’s about navigating life with a kind of calm practicality that makes the mess and mayhem feel more manageable. Instead of being some severe program of denial, Stoicism can be a toolkit – portable, and surprisingly useful – that helps you deal with whatever the day throws at you.

But before you start investigating, don’t let the men in your life tell you that Stoicism is for blokes. It’s true that popular Stoicism books are often written by men and for men, and that if you go into Stoic online forums, the voices are predominantly male. It’s why many women walk away or don’t engage, but this is a mistake.

For women especially, the philosophy lands in a useful way. Our daily lives are often an exhausting spin cycle of juggling work, ageing parents, kids, body image, relationships, WhatsApp groups, Pilates classes and the constant question of what’s for dinner. We’re stretched so thin that it’s difficult not to be reactive.

In fact, what I’ve found over the last seven years of practising Stoicism is that it is for everyone, and particularly for those who feel overwhelmed, disappointed, stressed, under pressure or wondering how they can make a difference in a world that seems out of control.

The control test

One of the foundations of Stoicism, and one that I apply multiple times a day, is the control test.

The Stoics believe you can only control a few things in life: your actions and reactions, your character and how you treat other people. Stressing about the traffic on the way to the airport is a waste of time because you can’t control the traffic. Better to just accept that you could miss your flight, rather than suffering twice by getting worked up.

Next time your flight is late, ask yourself, how could you react differently?

Next time your flight is late, ask yourself, how could you react differently?Credit: Paul Rovere

And the pay rise? You can control how hard you work, and whether you are working to the best of your ability, but you can’t control whether your boss decides to reward you.

Stoicism taught me that the same lack of control can also be found in friendships, love, parenting, health and finances. Where the power lies is in our reaction to what happens to us. It has made me enjoy my life more and worry less. So when I wrote my first book on Stoicism, published in 2022, I called it Reasons Not to Worry.

My new book on Stoicism, The Seeker and the Sage, centres on the journey of a young woman into a distant kingdom (without the internet!) to interview a Stoic sage. She wonders, “What are the secrets to a happy life and a happy community?”

Things are not going well for her. Her job is under threat from AI and downsizing, she’s spent years trawling internet dating apps trying to find a partner, she numbs out with recreational drugs and is fearful of a future where the climate is heating up and governments are increasingly authoritarian.

By the time she meets the Stoic sage, she is cynical and jaded, but secretly hopes there is some ancient wisdom that can make her feel tethered.

The Sage’s answers are not what she expects: a good life has nothing to do with a nice house, looking hot, a great partner or even health because all of those things are out of our control. One of the first things my character learns is that if she wants to really flourish, she needs to stop trying to control the uncontrollable.

Stoicism can be hard medicine to swallow if you want to change the world quickly, but it can provide small, achievable steps that will help to make your corner of the world feel more peaceful, and your state of mind more relaxed.

How can Stoicism help you in daily life?

Be realistic about your limits: Stoics advised that, although you can try to persuade others to do what you want them to do, or to act how you want them to act, this is ultimately beyond your control. So don’t waste your energy trying to change people.

Focus on being a good person: To the Stoics, living well means behaving with wisdom, courage, justice and moderation. Nice handbags, fast Wi-Fi, a perfect partner? Nice, but not necessary.

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Take on voluntary discomfort: Here’s a Stoic trick that sounds masochistic but is actually liberating: occasionally choose discomfort. Skip the Uber and walk. Leave your phone at home. Sleep without a fan. Wear the not-so-comfy shoes. Why? Because life, inevitably, will give you moments of discomfort. By dealing with little ones, you remind yourself: I can cope. I don’t need every convenience to survive. It’s resilience training in bite-size chunks. And for women, who are told constantly that we deserve comfort, indulgence and “self-care” in the form of $80 candles, it’s a refreshing counter-message. You are tougher than capitalism thinks.

Practise negative visualisation: Women are often accused of “overthinking”. Stoics would argue maybe you’re not overthinking, maybe you’re just running scenarios. Negative visualisation, picturing what could go wrong before it does, is one of Stoicism’s best tools. Imagine: the flight is delayed; your child throws a tantrum in the supermarket; a friend cancels at the last minute. You’ve pictured it, so when it happens you’re not flattened. You shrug because you’re already half-prepared. It’s not about expecting the worst. It’s about being less shocked when the worst (or even the mildly annoying) happens.

Foster gratitude, without the vision board: The Stoics weren’t into manifestation, but they were huge on gratitude in a grounded, practical way. Notice what you have, whether it’s a hot shower or a loyal friend. When life feels like it’s all deadlines and disappointments, gratitude resets the scale.

Participate and play: The Stoics believed in participating in civic life, whether that be running for political office or helping out at the school canteen. But they also advised us not to be a martyr about it. We should do what we can in our communities and with our families, but we should also take time for ourselves. They emphasised the importance of rest, leisure and time with friends as part of a good life.

Use your time well: Seneca, a noted Roman Stoic, said we are often stingy with money when time is the one thing we are guaranteed to run out of, and that it’s time we should fiercely guard, not money. So don’t waste your precious time binge-watching some boring show, or hanging out with someone who annoys you. Instead, be very deliberate about how you want to spend this finite resource.

The Seeker and the Sage (Allen & Unwin) by Brigid Delaney is out now.

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