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If ever there was a Test match for our times, the 141.1 overs of unadulterated madness from Perth might be it - an English capitulation for the TikTok generation.
This is where we’re at in 2025.
When a wicket falls every four and a half overs, Stuart Broad’s tortured viewing is social media catnip, Usman Khawaja’s golf game becomes the latest culture wars launching point, and Cricket Australia is staring down an estimated $4 million shortfall of missing cricket. The last bit is ironic, given that the high-octane, T20 format is where the game’s future and fortunes lie.
Myriad ways of dissecting one of the shortest and there’s no denying, most entertaining Tests in history present. And because it’s 2025, they’re all hot takes.
A personal favourite is Cricinfo’s description of England’s eight-wicket, two-day loss as a “generational flaying,” while The London Telegraph described England’s “diabolical” batting as “an affront to Test cricket”.
Where Geoffrey Boycott’s blistering appraisal that “I cannot take this stupid England team seriously anymore” lobbed in quick time, Broad’s incredulous reactions to his country’s proverbial pantsing in the Channel Seven commentary box went viral in real time.
At 1:05pm local time on Saturday afternoon, England were 1-65 and leading by 105 runs with nine wickets in hand. By 5:41pm, Australia had won.
In keeping with modern Test cricket, a two-day affair produced a deplorable over-rate. With 32 wickets gumming up the works, Perth’s record crowds were treated to a little more than 70 overs each day.
The 847 balls bowled were the ninth lowest recorded in Test history. Of the eight completed matches ahead of this one, three were played on uncovered pitches in the late 1880s. Another in 1912, and two in the 1930s.
Of the 10 shortest Tests (fewest balls bowled) among the 2608 played since 1877, four have been played in the past five years.
Brilliant bowling, harebrained batting and treacherous pitches all play their part, though not one player has gone after curator Isaac McDonald for the deck produced in Perth.
And for all the recriminations over England’s Bazballing and chasing of wide deliveries by Ollie Pope, Harry Brook and Joe Root, Travis Head played ‘Bazball with brains’ for a career-defining hundred.
After a circumspect three runs from his first 14 deliveries, Head bludgeoned 97 from his next 55.
The Perth scoreboard during England’s second-innings collapse.Credit: Getty Images
Per CricViz, Head’s false shot percentage was calculated at 18.5 per cent, exactly half the 37 per cent recorded by every batsman across the first three innings.
After England’s vaunted quicks persisted with the short-ball barrage that bullied Australia in the first innings, Head bullied back.
A series of calculated slogs and tennis-style smashes meant 13 of his 16 boundaries came in front of square despite England repeatedly bowling in their half of the pitch, while three of his four sixes were hooked and ramped behind the wicket.
Just as Bazball has produced hundreds made for bite-sized consumption, Head’s hitting makes him the most dynamic big-game batsman in a generation full of them.
Doing it with a mullet, a receding hairline, a moustache, and a physique reminiscent of a talking David Boon figurine makes him the ultimate cult figure in a generation where social media elevates them like never before.
Specimen: Travis Head, in all his glory.Credit: AP
Now, along with the shell-shocked tourists, Cricket Australia’s bean counters were last seen in a corner, rocking back and forth and ruing the far-reaching impact of TikTok Test cricket.
The 101,514 fans through the gate in two days was a record for the Perth Test, trumping the 96,463 who turned out across twice as many days for India’s thumping victory last year.
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But with a nearly sold-out day three tickets to be refunded, CA is facing up to $4 million in losses from corporate hospitality and ticket revenue.
Broadcasters Channel Seven and Kayo are short three days of ratings in the lucrative east-coast primetime slots that the Perth Test traditionally beams into.
Not even rugby league was spared the fallout.
Having snagged free-to-air rights for next year’s Rugby League World Cup, the tournament’s draw release had been scheduled for announcement on Seven during the day-three lunch break. Instead, it was trotted out in a rapidly pulled together Ashes recap show (the Renegades also rudely wrapped up a WBBL win on Sunday with almost half their T20 overs still available).
Now, in keeping with an extended Ashes lead-in that left no angle, hypothetical or potential outcome unexplored, another lengthy, rumination-filled build-up looms. We now have an 11-day run-up to the second Test.
In oh-so 2025 fashion, the day before the most-anticipated Ashes in 20 years was dominated by Steve Smith analysing Monty Panesar’s Mastermind meltdown, and everyone in turn analysing that.
But that’s Test cricket in the TikTok era. Just try and look away.
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