Self-immolation on an almost unconscionable scale: How England unravelled

How do you even begin to measure the ineptitude of England’s batting here? Perhaps it is the fact that they bowled Australia out for 132 and yet still contrived to lose by eight wickets in two days.

Or that Alastair Cook faced more balls in making his Brisbane double century in 2010 than the entire team did across two innings of this pulverising in Perth.

For sheer torment, though, it was difficult to look beyond the sorry sight of Joe Root, the second-highest run-scorer in Test history but so psychologically scrambled on this stage that he had fewer runs in this match than his tormentor, Mitchell Starc, had wickets.

The same ignominy befell Ben Stokes. And Zak Crawley, who became the first England opening batsman to depart for a pair in an Ashes series for 27 years.

Harry Brook, the vice-captain, and Ollie Pope, another with experience in the role, surrendered their wickets with unforgivable carelessness.

The vacuum of leadership, coupled with the empty-headed shot-making, laid the platform for one of the bleakest, most bruising defeats England has suffered in Australia.

Scott Boland bounced back in style in stunning scenes on day two in Perth.Credit: Getty Images

They have been on the wrong end of so many shellackings in the 14 years since they last won a Test in this country, but this was something else, a self-immolation on an almost unconscionable scale.

There appeared to be no plan, no pluck, no patience. Having reached lunch on this second day just one down, they batted for the next hour as if this were a Hundred thrash, rather than the crucial phase of the most anticipated Ashes duel in recent memory.

It was a wonder, in all honesty, that the travelling fans were not in a mutinous mood. Many have poured pensions and life savings into making this journey, all to witness England surrender a wonderful overnight position and be blown away in the first two-day Ashes Test for 104 years.

If you were being kind, you would call this a systemic failure from a batting perspective. Except England seems not to be adhering to any system at all. Why was Root, normally so cultured and composed, trying to slash Starc through cover?

How did England, leading by 105 with nine wickets in hand, self-destruct in such lurid fashion when Australia had just one of their premier strike bowlers? Starc, with 10 wickets for the match, was extraordinary, as lethal as England were hapless.

So, too, was Travis Head, blazing to a Test century off just 69 balls, a scoring rate that no Bazballer has yet managed. The humiliation was so total that you fear the potential tailspin to come, with Pat Cummins waiting to be unleashed in Brisbane.

England’s across-the-board malfunction turned a likely victory into a ghastly humiliation in a mere 46.4 overs. Nowhere were the problems more vividly illustrated than with the bat, where, on an increasingly placid pitch, they failed to reach 200 once more.

While the logic was that Crawley should, despite his flakiness, be a natural fit for the Ashes, his pair suggested such faith was misplaced. A man who has played 59 Tests has now been out in single figures in 41 per cent of the innings he has played. At the top of the order, he has become a liability, with his almost blasé attitude setting the tone for the catalogue of horror that follows.

Ben Stokes and England continue to play in their own style.Credit: Getty Images

You can be seduced into admiring Ben Duckett’s restless urge to keep the scoreboard ticking over, but what use is this when he fails even to make half-centuries?

As for Ollie Pope, what is he doing to justify his place at No.3 when, having played himself in twice, he does nothing to capitalise? It felt briefly as if Gus Atkinson’s gung-ho cameo, stretching England’s lead to over 200, might offer a reprieve, but it was all just needless embroidery on a fiasco.

The hope was that the bowlers would bail them out again. But as ever, it is the hope that kills, with a swaggering Travis Head savaging England’s attack, the express pace of Jofra Archer and Mark Wood leaving barely a dent on him.

When eventually he was caught in the deep for 123, he twirled his bat several times in the air, which could be interpreted either as a salute to the home fans or as a taunt to England.

England deserved nothing less than mockery for this performance.

Frankly, England deserved nothing less than mockery for this performance. It was not just a capitulation but an affront, both to the very basics of Test cricket and to the supporters who have spent fortunes expecting at least a semblance of a battle.

Unfortunately, the notion of “fail to prepare, prepare to fail” is alien to the Bazball credo. England’s trust in their own methods under Stokes and head coach Brendon McCullum is so absolute that any dissent is treated as tantamount to heresy.

This time, they deserve all the opprobrium they receive. Against an ageing Australia, denuded of both Cummins and Josh Hazlewood, they imagined it would be adequate preparation to play a solitary three-day warm-up against the England Lions at Lilac Hill.

What type of warm-up was this for a series by which the success of their philosophical reset would be judged? As ever, they disdain these questions. They maintain their devil-may-care abandon, irrespective of the circumstances. This is the way we play, they shrug. It is also the way they produce the ultimate Ashes nightmare.

Wicket-by-wicket: England’s collapse

England threw away a position of potential dominance when they lost four wickets in 19 balls, amid a six-wicket collapse from 1-65 for one to 5-88. A few hours later, they lost the first Test.

Duckett – c. Smith, b. Boland

Over 16.2 (England 2-65). With England sitting pretty on a lead of 99, having lost only one second-innings wicket, it was a slight surprise that Australia did not turn back to Mitchell Starc straight after lunch. Lyon was off the field, and Cameron Green got his first bowl of the innings. At the other end, Boland continued, and his first ball to Duckett was a beauty, which was snaffled low at slip by the safe hands of Steve Smith.

Pope – c. Carey, b. Boland

Over 18.3 (England 3-76). In Boland’s next over, he offered Pope a full tempter outside off stump. He could not resist a big drive, which Alex Carey pouched.

Brook – c. Khawaja, b. Boland

Over 18.6 (England 4-76). Out walked Harry Brook, who respectfully defended his first two balls, before running out of patience. His third, the last of the over, was edged to first slip.

Loading

It was an ugly dismissal, made worse by how good Brook had looked on day one. Brook has replaced Pope as vice-captain, and this was the moment for a bit of clear-headed leadership. Brook could not provide it.

Root – b. Starc

Over 19.2 (England 5-76). The worst, remarkably, was still to come. Root, the designated driver of the Bazball operation, got sucked into the madness. With Root and Ben Stokes at the crease, Starc – eight wickets in the match to this point – was brought back. His second ball was a wide tempter, and Root, to that point comfortable, tried to nail it through cover. An inside edge clattered into his stumps.

Stokes – c. Smith, b. Starc

Over 24.2 (England 6-88). Australia knew they were just one wicket away from the tail. Stokes and Smith were batting accordingly, not taking risks. They batted for five overs before Starc’s beauty removed the captain. Shaping away from the left-hander, this back-of-a-length ball took the edge, and Smith did the rest at second slip. Starc had picked up Crawley, Root and Stokes twice each in two days for a total of 16 runs. England’s position of comfort had been surrendered.

Telegraph, London

News, results and expert analysis from the weekend of sport sent every Monday. Sign up for our Sport newsletter.

Most Viewed in Sport

Loading