6 days ago
4
Spare a thought, if you will, for Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban right now. As anyone who has been through the experience will know, a marriage breakdown behind closed doors is painful. To do it on the world stage must be excruciating.
Following news that Kidman has filed for divorce just a day after the couple went public with their separation, the internet has been awash with chatter about the couple, from reports that Kidman was “blindsided” to pleas from Urban’s fan base to work on the relationship.
Family therapist at Sydney Couple and Family Specialists Jacqueline McDiarmid says the time immediately after a separation is always one of high emotions, and one that hits differently depending on who has called time on the relationship. However, she says in her experience, notions that one partner has been blindsided are usually misplaced.
When one partner calls time on a relationship, it can take the other partner time to process their grief.Credit: Stephen Kiprillis/AP
“There is usually some discussion that leads up to this particular decision,” says McDiarmid. “It is very unusual for it to come out of the blue but for the person on the other end it is awful. It’s a different grief process.
“The person who has made the decision to go has been thinking about it for a while, sometimes months or years, thinking what it would be like for their family and for themselves, but the other person has not had that time.”
Loading
Similarly, she says the idea that a couple could successfully reconcile at this point is highly unlikely. Instead, she says when one partner has already asked for a separation, going into couples therapy is more about giving the other partner – and everyone else – an opportunity to catch up emotionally.
“Very rarely does someone call for a separation and then decide to work on the relationship and it works out,” she says. “Often people will do it because they feel bad and they are feeling like they owe it to the family or the relationship – often there are children involved. There might be extended fallout from family and friends and that does have ramifications. People are often motivated to fix that and come out of it with a ‘we have both decided to separate’ statement.”
While it may appear that the person initiating the end of the marriage is in a better place emotionally, McDiarmid says that is also unlikely.
“It will be hard for Keith as much as it will be for Nicole,” she says. “He will not be having an easy time of it but it is all about the narrative.”
Clinical psychosexual therapist Jacqueline Hellyer says it is common for the person leaving the relationship to be given the role of villain by those outside the marriage, which may not be fair.
“Often we think it is easier on the one who has made the decision,” she says. “Sometimes someone is not willing to pay attention, they are quite avoidant and they say there is no problem here.
“The person who has decided to leave the marriage may have done all the work and they are seen as the ‘baddy’ and the other partner gets more sympathy.”
For a couple in the public eye like Kidman and Urban, Hellyer says the fallout is amplified.
“This is very public, it’s so different to us normal people because it is in the limelight,” Hellyer says. “It’s easy enough to say ‘Keith is an a---hole’ and ‘poor Nicole’ but we don’t know what is going on behind closed doors.
Loading
“Famous couples will often put a lot of effort into making everything look fine on the outside whereas they struggle in the way that all couples struggle.”
McDiarmid says the focus for the couple now should be on their daughters, 17-year-old Sunday Rose and 14-year-old Faith Margaret.
“At 14 and 17 those girls still very much need their parents and need very active parenting and they need parents to be aligned because they are pushing boundaries at that age,” she says.
The challenge for Kidman and Urban, she says, will be keeping those relationships intact when teenagers often see things in black and white terms.
“Seeing one parent as the villain and the other as the saint is a risk that Keith has with his girls,” she says.
In the end, while they are one of the most famous couples in the world, Hellyer says it is worth keeping in mind that it is still a very private loss.
“I’m sure neither of them wanted to end it and there is a grieving process to go through,” she says. “It’s really important to reflect on what happened and what you each brought to the marriage so you can learn and grow from it.”
Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.
Most Viewed in Lifestyle
Loading
