In my teens, I accidentally dated a married man, and here’s what I learnt

July 19, 2026 — 5:00am

Why do so many men think that monogamy is something you make dining room tables out of? I first discovered this male tendency to sexual kleptomania in my late teens when I accidentally dated a married man. Of course, I didn’t know Wayne was married until I found the teething ring in his pocket. I thought love was in the air … but it was merely the exhaust from his sports car as he drove back to his wife.

I vowed never to be similarly hoodwinked, but in my early 20s found myself embroiled yet again with another bloke who’d gone straight from puberty to adultery. Garry, a TV cameraman, was charming, handsome, solvent and with serious pecs appeal. After a six-month rollercoaster romance, I was just starting to compose the cute little joint message we’d leave on our answering machine once he moved in, when I bumped into him strolling along the Bondi promenade – literally. He was pushing a stroller with a toddler in it, a pregnant wife on his arm.

I might as well have been wearing a sign on my heart which read, “In case of emergency, break.” Suddenly, the United Nations had declared my love life a disaster area. After I finally stopped sobbing, I realised that I hadn’t fallen in love, I’d stepped in it – and it was time to wipe him off my shoes. I promptly set fire to his photos and keyed his car. The standard female revenge, right?

Well, Japanese women are taking vengeance to a whole new level. Apparently, male infidelity is so endemic in Japan that aggrieved parties can sue their cheating spouses. Any bloke who pretends to be single is courting trouble, literally; in a recent court case, a woman, Maiko, who was tricked into a romance by a married man, Kenji (not their real names), sued him – and won.

When Maiko met Kenji on a dating app, he seemed perfect. Devoted, romantic, whisking her away for weekend breaks in spa hotels. Then, four months into their courtship, he suddenly broke off all contact. Worried that he’d suffered an accident, Maiko hired a detective to track him down. Only to discover that he was married with two children.

I know that when a fella says he and his wife “have an understanding”, there’s likely to be a draught in his “open” marriage

Well, no flimsy photo-burning for this jilted Japanese gal. Nope. She sued Kenji under a Japanese civil law that protects “the right of chastity” arguing, successfully, that if she had known he was married, she would never have slept with him. By lying, he’d violated her right to “sexual self-determination”. When the judge encouraged Maiko to settle, she felt a yen – not for money but for a court judgment. Confronting her seducer in the witness box, his only defence was that after nine years of marriage, he wanted to have a “make-believe romance” – a little something just to break the monogamy.

When I divorced eight years ago, I got instant déjà vu as married men immediately stuck to me like flies to a dropped chop. Clearly, boys will be boys – and so will octogenarian businessmen who should know better. But when it comes to learning life’s lessons, I’m no longer a straight-D student. I now know that a bloke promising he’s not married is the equivalent of Mickey Rourke claiming he’s only had a little Botox. I also know that when a fella says he and his wife “have an understanding”, there’s likely to be a draught in his “open” marriage. In other words, you’ll both have sex, but you’re the only one getting screwed.

When “Mr Right” comes along, most women have the strength of character to say, “No, thank you – I’m already married.” And to all you faithful fellas out there, we adore you.

Philanderers, take heed. Women now share tips on how to spot a cheating partner. Has he bought new underwear? Does he suddenly have a more X-rated boudoir repertoire? Is he coming home four hours late and worse, cleaner than he went out? Does his secretary look too happy? Is she on something – your husband’s appendage, for example? These are all subtle ways of realising that you’ve married a two-timing rat.

If so, what to do? You could ask your local council to issue a fumigation order. Or simply join Maiko’s crusade. After winning ¥1.5 million ($13,106) in compensation, she formed the Association for the Victims of Bachelor Pretence to help other women who have been tricked; she also launched a petition to make lying about being single a criminal offence.

“Fundamentally I believe this issue shares many characteristics with date rape,” she said. “It’s a violation of sexual autonomy and informed sexual consent.”

So philanderers, be warned. You may like to end every sentence with a proposition, but you could soon be ending every proposition with a sentence.

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