I’ve been boxed in at work since becoming a father. What do I do?

Each week, Dr Kirstin Ferguson tackles questions on workplace, career and leadership in her advice column Got a Minute? This week: returning to work after children, a choice between boredom or burnout and an annoying co-worker.

I was a senior manager with a broad role and multidisciplinary team before taking a three-year career break to care for my children and support my wife’s career. I’ve since returned to work, and accepted a role on about 60 per cent of my former salary, with limited responsibility, doing tasks I last did 15 years ago. I’ve been clear that I want to move back into a more senior role, but the response has been lukewarm. Is this reasonable after three years away to be a father?

Big picture: if organisations want men to share child care without penalty (and many say they do), they can’t punish men, like you, who make that choice. Currently, your company is doing exactly that. That said, your situation – sadly – isn’t unusual. Just ask any woman who has tried to work, have kids and maintain a career.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: your employer has put you in a box. Perhaps they decided by stepping out of the job for a few years you don’t take your career seriously, or you have not kept up with tech changes. None of this is fair, but does need you to work extra hard to overcome it.

Given you’ve already signalled your ambition, I would recommend you actively pursue roles – internally or externally – that match your actual capability, not the one your current employer feels comfortable with. Don’t wait for your employer to step up, actively chase what it is you want.

I left a long-term career due to burnout and an inability to leave the work behind after hours. I moved to a much less stressful job that I don’t enjoy as much. Most importantly, I don’t really feel my new job has a sense of purpose. It is also bureaucratic and slow. I am contemplating going back after two years to my previous career, but can’t remove the niggling memory of being burnt out. Any advice?

You’re not choosing between two jobs – you’re choosing between two versions of who you want to be and how you would like to work.

Your current role has allowed you to recover, and shown you that relentless stress isn’t sustainable. It has also given you insight that boredom, isolation and a lack of purpose also carry a toll.

I can understand why you might want to return to what was comfortable and familiar; your biggest challenge will be to go back and apply a sustainable pace. While the work may have been slow in your new job, it did allow you to work without becoming exhausted.

If you return, you will need firmer boundaries and a clear sense of the red flags you need to be on the lookout for.

You should clarify what specifically burned you out last time – was it workload, culture, lack of control or your own inability to stop? If you return, what has actually changed – whether in you or the organisation – to prevent a repeat cycle? And finally, is there a slightly different role you can pursue where you will feel purpose and social connection without burning yourself out?

I work alongside a very loud person in a small office. They are a constant complainer, love to delegate tasks and a vicious gossip. I had cause to remind them they weren’t in charge, and subsequently this person complained to management about me. Management have asked me in future to take my concerns directly to them, to allow them to deal with the situation. This sounds petty to me. Every time I have an issue with this person, do I simply tell my boss and hope they deal with it?

Yes – for now, that’s precisely what you should do. Not because it’s ideal, but there may be things going on regarding this person you are unaware of. My first thought is that your boss wants to be involved because other people have also made complaints. Or perhaps your boss knows this person needs to be moved out of their role, or their performance managed. The more information they have to support those conversations, the better.

Given your colleague escalated this to your manager first, I think your boss has done the right thing. If you ignore them, you will look as if you are part of the problem.

That said, don’t become an endless dobber. You need to be selective and factual. Raise patterns rather than petty moments and focus on the impact their behaviour is having on your ability to work.

This is now a management problem. Given they’ve asked to handle it, they’re now accountable for actually doing something. If nothing changes, that becomes the issue.

To submit a question about work, careers or leadership, visit kirstinferguson.com/ask. You will not be asked to provide your name or any identifying information. Letters may be edited.