I cheated on my wife. Now she wants me to turn down a big promotion

Each week, Dr Kirstin Ferguson tackles questions about workplace, career and leadership in her advice column Got a Minute? This week: a relationship ultimatum, missed memos on maternity leave and a payroll data breach.

I’ve been offered a promotion I’ve worked towards for 15 years. The catch is that it involves a lot of time on the road, and I have a wife and young kids. She is happy for the extra money the role would bring, but she says if I accept it, our marriage won’t survive. It feels like an ultimatum. We had problems in our marriage last year after I had an affair, but my wife said she had forgiven me. I think she is worried I will do it again if I am away, but I won’t. I love my wife, but I also want to take the job, not just for the money but because I have worked hard for it.

I don’t think your wife is asking you to choose between your marriage and your career. She’s letting you know that she doesn’t think your marriage is strong enough yet to withstand a new challenge. One partner being away a lot is a big challenge for any marriage, let alone one also dealing with issues of trust and betrayal.

Rather than debating the job itself, ask your wife what would help rebuild her confidence in you and your marriage. Ask her what she’s most afraid of and then really listen to her – don’t assume she’s just going to say she is scared you will have another affair. She may also be worried about feeling alone at home with sole parenting responsibilities and juggling the disruption of you being on the road.

You also need to be honest with yourself. If accepting the role means constantly reassuring your wife while you are away, will either of you really enjoy the success? A career opportunity will come along again. But a marriage based on mutual respect and trust is much harder to replace. Choose the future you want – not just the promotion you believe you have earned.

I am in the middle of maternity leave and have just found out that some serious changes are taking place at work. I’m enjoying not thinking about work, but I feel the need to invest time communicating with my new manager to understand what is happening and to ensure I’m not overlooked for possible promotions or a role change. What would you recommend?

You are right to be proactive and stay in touch with your manager – but frankly, your manager could have done a lot better at staying in touch with you too. Some of the best organisations I know have fabulous programs for women on maternity leave, so they can continue to feel included at a level of contact that suits them. This avoids hearing of significant changes via the grapevine, which seems to have happened.

Drop your manager a note to see if they might be open to catching up. Let them know you are thinking about your return to work and eager to be considered for promotions. Be clear about your aspirations – being on maternity leave does not automatically alter career ambitions, so make sure they know that.

You definitely don’t want to spend your maternity leave thinking about work, you have enough on your plate. Being clear about your goals, thinking about what you want to do on your return and then communicating proactively – that is simply smart. At some point, you will be back at work and early conversations of this kind will help make that return a success.

An employee at my work asked for copies of their recent payroll advice to be emailed to them. They were sent one file, which also contained the advice of hundreds of other people. What happens next in terms of this data breach? Is it reportable and who is responsible?

At a minimum, it would be safe for the company to refer this matter to the Office of the Australian Information Commissioner to assess whether it is a reportable breach. That will depend on the actual information shared, any harm done and mitigation put in place to stop the data going further. Responsibility sits with the organisation. It is common for human error to have caused the actual data breach, but your organisation should have had systems and processes in place to prevent such an incident. If the employee who received the data has shared it further, that is another major issue to be investigated and responsibility will lay with them.

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