Can anything good come from an affair?

1 week ago 3

It’s a common enough story. After a period of time in a committed relationship, one person quietly disconnects and seeks (or is offered) intimacy with someone else, usually while still keeping up the facade that all is well. Sometimes the betrayal is discovered, causing heartache for the betrayed partner, while other times it ends and things go on apparently as they have before.

There’s nothing particularly extraordinary about affairs in Australia, with Sexual Health Australia reporting that up to 60 per cent of men and 45 per cent of women admitting to transgressing at some point during their marriage. It’s perhaps a surprisingly high number of people given the devastation infidelity can cause, but the desire to step outside committed relationships persists. So, what’s so appealing about having an affair? And is it possible anything good can come from it?

There’s a reason why people have affairs, but it is about more than just attraction.

Somatic therapist and certified sex and relationship practitioner Georgia Grace says feeling attracted to someone outside your primary relationship is part of being human, and it is not unusual for people who have had affairs to report that entering into an illicit relationship made them feel “alive” again.

“During an affair, they tap into a part of themselves that they felt they had lost and they can start to realise some of their unmet needs,” she says. “People often transgress because they are wanting something more.”

This may not be because they are in a sexless marriage, she says.

“They may be having sex with their partner, but it is the desire or novelty of feeling wanted by someone else,” Grace says. “It can also be about self-esteem or identity or self-worth or going through a life crisis.

“It can often come at a time when you are not feeling great about yourself and someone comes along who makes you feel good.”

While the attraction to someone new can feel overwhelming, Grace says it can often pass once the relationship has been consummated and the spell is broken.

“Having an affair may have felt really forbidden or unknown but as soon as they have had sex and the taboo has lifted, they realise that the other person is another flawed human being and the spark is gone,” she says.

It’s not really about sex

According to clinical psychosexual therapist and relationship coach Jacqueline Hellyer, while most people think affairs are about sex, she says that’s generally not what is happening.

“It’s about connection and intimacy,” she says. “If you just want an orgasm, that’s easy enough to do yourself. This is not about orgasm.”

Intimacy takes various forms, Hellyer says, with a deficit thereof making some long-term relationships more susceptible to affairs than others.

“[For an affair to happen] there is some kind of weakness in the relationship, it’s vulnerable in some way,” she says. “People get really complacent in their relationships, and they are not doing the sorts of things that keep them being kind to each other and interested in each other and being interesting to each other.

“Resentments are piling up and there is distance and alienation.”

Ironically, Grace says it is not unusual for clients who have been unfaithful to express their gratitude for the partner they are already with. By the time it has all come out in the wash, however, it’s often too late.

“[When you’re having an affair] it can feel really hot when it’s unknown and wrong, but they may on reflection realise that the partner they are with has skills like good conflict resolution,” she says. “That realisation can also come after the partner has left them.”

When resentments pile up and couples are showing less interest in each other, the relationship can become vulnerable to infidelity.

Learning the hard way

While unfaithful partners seem hell-bent on learning things the hard way, both Grace and Hellyer agree there are ways of taking the “good” things from an affair – exploring unmet needs, a desire for excitement – and applying them within your existing relationship while staying loyal.

That can require reflection from both partners.

“Some people recognise affairs as part of a pattern of avoidance or discomfort in communication, instead opting for easier ways to find satisfaction elsewhere. If people feel uncomfortable voicing their needs or desires, it can be something to work on,” says Grace.

“They might realise: my partner was here all along. Depending on the gender, they may learn something about their sexuality and what was so exciting about having sex … there is a capacity for change.”

They might also realise they have reached the end of the road.

“For some people, they may get to a stage of life where they have had a great relationship but they don’t want to do the work – they feel complete,” she says.

While she says there are people who feel it is their “a God-given right to have lots of sex”, Hellyer says most of her clients who have strayed also express remorse for their actions.

“The vast majority of people feel terrible about cheating and there is generally a lot of remorse and shame and that gets in the way of healing,” she says. “It’s really hard, particularly for the betrayed partner, but they need to get to a point where they understand where the relationship was vulnerable. When they can do that, there is a really good chance they can heal and move on stronger than ever.”

Grace says the aftermath of an affair can be an opportunity to build a stronger relationship with your partner by examining your feelings and finding the language to share that with them. While not denying the damage such betrayals cause, she says for couples who are trying to reconcile, the path forward is rarely black or white.

“When we approach conflict or disconnection with a partner, many people think they are right and their partner is wrong. But binary positions, good or bad, right or wrong – it’s not how we exist in the world.”

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