An open marriage isn’t for everyone, but here’s how it works for us

16 hours ago 1

By Scarlette Isaac

January 9, 2026 — 7.15pm

I met my wife at a sex party in November 2021, when I was aged 28.

I was in a long-term relationship at the time but we were having a lot of problems. So when my partner’s therapist suggested opening up the relationship, we thought, ‘sod it, why not?’.

Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut.

We started going to “play parties”. We already had friends in the polyamory scene but we hadn’t got involved with them that way before, so we tagged along and had a lot of fun. It was at one of these events that I met my future wife, Katie.

I was wearing a Roman-style kilt; she’s Scottish and came over to tell me I was “insulting her heritage”. We hooked up that night, and soon I was dating both women. As time passed, I realised that I had found all the things that I wanted in Katie that I did not get from my other relationship, so I ended that.

Rules for an open relationship

My wife and I have now been together for four years and married for two. I’m 32 and work as a digital analyst, and Katie, 31, is a professional declutterer.

We’re just like any other couple – except our idea of what a relationship should look like is a little different. We share a flat, work 9 to 5 and have a close-knit group of friends – some of whom we also sleep with.

Being in a non-monogamous marriage means we are free to pursue sexual and even romantic connections with other people, guided by a few non-negotiables.

The first is complete honesty. If either of us starts to develop feelings for someone else, we talk about it. The second is that no one gets invited home after a date without a conversation beforehand.

In most cases, my wife will either make herself scarce or she’ll be totally fine with that person coming home with me. And because the two of them might not fancy each other, you can’t just spring through the door with a “hey, let’s have a threesome!“.

The third rule is that we use protection with other partners.

We don’t have that many other conditions because the moment you start putting hundreds of different rules in, you might as well not be doing this lifestyle.

The freedom to follow your desires is appealing for many, but there is a certain discipline required as well.

Giving me the freedom to be myself

Every Tuesday, we sit down for a weekly check-in where we talk through how we’re feeling. These conversations matter because sometimes emotions don’t surface clearly on their own and you need to talk them through to understand and release them.

You can’t avoid jealousy; it happens in monogamous relationships too, but when I first joined the “poly scene”, I had to learn how to control it quite quickly.

If my wife is flirting with some absolutely gorgeous man, I’ll still have that intrusive voice in my head saying: “OK, he’s objectively better than me”. And she feels the same when I’m chatting to a pretty woman. It’s human.

But the real question is: “Is this person going to take my partner away?” And the answer, in an open relationship, is no.

She can go off, have fun, and then she comes back because nothing is caging her or pushing her away. That actually builds a lot of admiration. I feel it every time I come back to my wife after being with someone else. The next day, I’m often even more in love with her because she gives me the freedom to be myself.

Sleeping with friends

Most people Katie and I meet are through play parties, friends-of-friends, or a kink-based dating app. We also have a close circle of about 20 friends who are all somewhere on the poly or open-relationship spectrum. Sometimes we host private parties – other days, we’ll have a normal barbecue and invite our “vanilla” friends along too.

It’s nice having friends who you can also sleep with – they’re attractive, fun, and good company – but nobody expects a relationship to come of it.

If I were to have a girlfriend – an idea I’m more open to than my wife is – we’d have to discuss time-splitting and boundaries. That’s when it becomes truly polyamorous rather than just open, and things can get a little more complicated.

Even now, if I spend a weekend away with someone, I make sure to plan something with my wife for when I return. Being intentional with your time is really important when you’re in a relationship like ours.

Checking in with each other on a regular basis is essential for managing issues like jealousy.

On marriage and non-monogamy

In a way, my wife pushed the idea of marriage first. One day she turned to me and said: “I really want to get married,” and I thought, “Well, so do I”, and so I ended up proposing.

I think polyamory and marriage work really well together; I want her to have everything she can possibly have, even if that’s exploring romantic relationships with other people, sex with other people, or just doing something on her own.

That’s one of the biggest things about this lifestyle – there’s no limitation on what your partner can have, and you’re not cutting them off from anything.

It’s not the traditional way of doing things, but I like it that way.

Our family and friends are aware of our arrangement, but it’s not something we discuss around the dinner table. I’ve told my parents about it, and they said: “We don’t really understand it, but we’re happy for you.“ She’s not explicitly told her parents.

‘We want children only with each other’

Many poly couples have children with one partner while maintaining other relationships, with varying levels of parental involvement from everyone. My wife and I are a little more traditional on this point.

We’re still undecided on whether children will be a part of our future, but we do know that we want children only with each other.

Monogamy has a long history. In many Western countries, social norms around marriage and fidelity are shaped by Christian values, and for centuries, the expectation has been that couples marry and remain exclusive. It has a certain predictability and security.

That said, many people are now realising there are alternative ways to have fulfilling relationships. Non-monogamous couples can be happy, and people are seeing that there are no dire consequences that come with choosing this lifestyle. While non-monogamy remains a minority choice, its visibility is increasing, even if monogamy is likely to remain the norm for most people.

It’s just a different way of having a relationship, but it’s not sinful or harmful. There’s no playbook for this. Monogamy offers comfort – you’re locked together, jealousy stays contained, and you feel secure.

Non-monogamy forces you to confront those feelings head-on. It’s hard, uncomfortable even, but if you get past it, there’s a whole wealth of experiences and freedom to be had.

As told to Scarlette Isaac

The Telegraph, London

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