1 day ago
2
Seeking help to address issues in sexual relationships requires a high level of vulnerability. A good sexual health professional recognises that.
Loading
“I’m about having non-judgmental, open conversations and talking about things quite freely and creating comfort, not shaming about people’s preferences or desires,” says Fraser.
Hellyer agrees.
“People think I will judge them and they want to know what is normal and ask ‘what is wrong with me?‘,” she says. “They think they are ‘broken’ and have no desire, but often, it is a normal reaction to their situation. They might be too tired, or they’ve had an argument before going to bed or they’re worried the kids will walk in on them.”
The difficulty for many, she says, is that they are focusing on their desire as they experienced it in the early months or years without acknowledging things have changed.
“People base what is normal on the early days of their relationship when they did not have babies or work or other logistics to consider,” she says. “What I educate people in is helping them understand that they need a different model. You need to create the conditions for desire to grow.”
Good sex is about performance
Fraser says an inability to perform is a common fear among the men he speaks with in his practice.
“When I am talking to couples in particular, I will hear a male partner talking about the pressure he is under to perform sexually,” he says. “There is a narrative that it is very important for men to get an erection and just get their rocks off but when it comes to relationships, a lot of guys do want to have an intimate, emotional connection during sex.”
Part of his work, says Fraser, focuses on helping men find the language to describe how they feel and what they want in a relationship.
Hellyer says while she can provide “tips and tricks” for couples, that’s not always the most useful aspect of the counselling process.
“It’s not about technique or performance,” she says. “Sex therapists spend a lot more time looking at lifestyle and creating spaces for sex to happen. Once you get that right, often the rest is fine.”
Many people feel deeply uncomfortable talking about their sex lives and their desires but a good sex coach or therapist will help you find the words to express yourself.Credit: iStock
Talking about it will make the problem worse
Sex is a normal, natural part of life, says Hellyer, but many people feel deeply uncomfortable talking about it. She says the key to feeling more at ease expressing your thoughts is to treat sex like any other interest.
“I help couples talk about it like it’s a hobby – something they enjoy and reframe it as a positive thing,” she says. “This is why it is important to see someone who is trained in it. We are super-comfortable with our sexuality and we are trained to do this all day, every day.”
Talking through any concerns or fears with a partner can only improve your connection and create new pathways to intimacy. It can also help with planning.
“We were brought up with the idea that sex is mysterious and spontaneous and we should not talk about it,” says Hellyer. “But nothing else in life is spontaneous. What we eat for dinner is not usually spontaneous.”
I will be made to feel uncomfortable
Fraser wants to make one thing clear: he doesn’t have sex with his clients.
“One of the things I find when I talk about the work I do as a sex coach, I sometimes get people who are unfamiliar with counselling and assume I have sex with my clients,” he says. “There is a misconception that if you are working on sexuality, it entails sex.”
Loading
Rather, a good sex coach or therapist helps couples open up to each other verbally at their own pace.
“The coaching I do is talk-based, but there are some people who do touch-based coaching,” he says. “They have a sensate focus. It’s an old school practice getting each partner to touch the hands and arms of their partner with a focus on slowing down and feeling the sensations.”
Whatever a couple’s level of comfort is, Hellyer says it is important that sessions are client led.
“There’s a perception that sex therapists might push you to do something you are not comfortable with and that is not the case at all,” she says. “Sometimes I get clients coming along saying they want to explore some aspect of their sex lives and we can discuss that.”
Fraser encourages would-be clients to identify at least some of their goals or concerns before arriving for an appointment.
“When you’re thinking of making an appointment, don’t spring it on your partner with ‘I have booked us in to see a sex coach’. Have a pre-conversation with your partner about what you might get from it,” he says. “A therapist will ask you about your goals so it is good to have clarity before you go in.”
Sex counselling is only for couples
Yes, Hellyer says many of her clients come in as couples but there is still much to be gained from seeking support on your own.
“If you are not in a relationship or you have recently ended one, it is a really good time to talk about it,” she says. “You might reflect on whether your sexuality was a reason for the [relationship] ending.
“So much of it is about developing a healthy relationship [with yourself] and understanding of what it is to be a sexual being.”
There is something wrong with us to need therapy
One of the biggest myths around sex therapy, says Hellyer, is the notion that you should only go if you have “really big problems or something is really broken”.
Loading
“People find it really hard to talk about sex,” she says.
Fraser says too often couples seek professional help far too late.
“I’d suggest seeing a couples therapist when you are not in dire need. I’m an advocate for showing up for therapy when you are in a good place, just for maintenance,” he says. “The therapist will not push you to speak about things you are not comfortable with, but the more open you can be, the more they can help you. Done well, you can have some fantastic and deep conversations over time.”
Hellyer says for those willing to put the time in, the results can be transformative.
“It is fundamental to us as human beings and it brings so much goodness to us,” she says. “Most people say at the end of the first session that now they have hope and they wish they had come earlier.
“They always walk out smiling.”
Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.
