Amid a propaganda extravaganza, FIFA finally gets round to a World Cup draw

3 months ago 19

Tony Popovic was an hour late for his virtual media conference with Australian journalists, and it was not his fault. The Socceroos coach could not get on the call because he could not get out of the Kennedy Centre for Performing Arts.

He could not get out because nobody could get out – not until the inaugural FIFA peace prize winner decided to leave. And Donald Trump was not quick to exit the venue of “truly one of the great honours of my life”. By the time Popovic was reflecting on Australia being drawn with co-hosts the United States, Paraguay, and a to-be-determined European playoff winner, almost five hours had passed since the 2026 World Cup draw started.

“People tell you the US do everything bigger and better than everyone else. Today, I got it first-hand. I was a witness to it all,” Popovic said.

“They do everything on a grand scale, and this draw was done on a grand scale. The last couple of days here at the hotel has been crazy. So busy, so much going on. And then the draw itself was everything that I expected.”

That FIFA found a spare half-hour to conduct the actual draw was a minor miracle given the surreal extravaganza of musical acts, cringey scripted banter and pre-recorded propaganda which had come before. The prelude was 90 minutes – a regulation football match – on a night of delays.

For the attendees and media, who queued for hours outside in the snow. For viewers around the world, who sat through FIFA-land just to learn which of the 47 other nations theirs would play. For everybody trying to escape at the end.

And for Trump, who’d campaigned for the Nobel Peace Prize earlier this year and had to wait months for his counterfeit order to be delivered. Gianni Infantino invented it with the empathy of a FIFA president who once gently described feeling “gay”, “disabled” and “a migrant worker”.

Trump, looking every bit the root vegetable, was a humble recipient, professing into the microphone that he’d “saved millions and millions of lives”.

“The Congo is an example,” he continued. “Over 10 million people killed and it was heading for another 10 million very quickly. India and Pakistan, so many different wars we were able to end – in some cases just before they started.”

Nothing about Trump’s self-proclaimed – embellished and oft-contradicted – conflict-resolving powers is new or, at this point, at all shocking. Still, this latest “the world is a safer place now” upchuck featured a literally made-up medal around his neck, and a trophy, on a stage emitting more electricity than Gaza has had access to for two years.

Tony Popovic had to wait a few hours before he could explain to the media his thoughts on Australia’s World Cup draw.

It reeked of a big song and dance for a fully grown man who had not come first at the school carnival and did not get a medal. Infantino must have sensed his BFF was sad while visiting at the Oval Office or hosting at FIFA’s Trump Tower headquarters, so he did what any soft-power ally would and manufactured one just for him.

It was a selfless sacrifice from a football supremo who recently acknowledged that even football supremos “cannot solve geopolitical” issues but recognised Trump clearly can. The latter’s administration had just carried out another deadly air strike in the Caribbean, which must have saved millions and millions of lives.

“This is your prize,” Infantino beamed. “This is your peace prize.” You could see Trump’s ego reinflating in real time. And though this child’s-play exercise is not generally recommended for teaching resilience, the 2000 attendees seated inside the auditorium were forced to demonstrate theirs throughout the garish build-up for which they probably weren’t bargaining.

Andrea Bocelli’s opening rendition of Nessun Dorma was the highlight, and it slipped downhill from there when co-hosts Kevin Hart and Heidi Klum took the stage, Wayne Gretzky struggled to pronounce North Macedonia and Curaçao, and Rio Ferdinand moonlighted as a comedian.

Robbie Williams and other music stars followed between the sports legends, roving interviews and commercials featuring Matthew McConaughey and Salma Hayek (and Hugh Jackman).

By the time the thing had finally finished, Trump was dancing to the Village People and Infantino had confirmed what we all so badly needed to hear: “FIFA is the official happiness provider for humanity.”