A senior executive wants to give me after-hours career advice. It’s giving me the ick

2 weeks ago 2

Each week, Dr Kirstin Ferguson tackles questions on workplace, career and leadership in her advice column Got a Minute? This week: secret career advice, an overzealous colleague and compulsory gift giving.

Not all attention from senior management is welcome.

A senior exec in my company has taken a “special interest” in my career. It’s flattering he seems to want to see me succeed, except he only invites me to meetings after hours and insists we keep our sessions “off the radar” in case others feel they are missing out. I want the career advice and opportunities, but the way he goes about it is giving me the ick. He hasn’t actually tried to do anything inappropriate, but I still feel like it is wrong. How do I draw a line without losing the opportunity since he has an influential position in the company? I feel really stuck.

This is, I am afraid, a classic case of a power imbalance that can lead to sexual harassment. It may not, of course, but you should trust your instincts and the fact you feel uncomfortable about it is enough to know it needs to be nipped in the bud. I am confident this executive would know exactly what he is doing and knows the invidious position he is putting you in.

If you don’t want to escalate things, then the next time he asks to catch up out of hours outside the office, let him know that you would prefer to meet only in the office during work hours. If he says he would rather people did not know about these meetings, that is your opportunity to suggest that while you value his advice, you don’t want to do anything outside a formal mentoring arrangement organised by the company. Honestly, it is probably best to then avoid meeting him one on one at all.

Make sure you document everything that is happening, and if you feel you can, speak to someone senior you trust at work for advice so they are aware of what you are dealing with. That way, if there are any negative repercussions, you will have all the information documented about his behaviour and someone else who knows what you have been having to manage. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. So many of us, myself included, will appreciate the “dance” you need to do. Take care and don’t be afraid to escalate things the moment you need to.

A coworker sits beside me and gives a running commentary on everything I do — “Ooh, big email going out?” “That’s your third coffee!” “You’re typing fast — drama?” It’s meant to be friendly, but it’s intrusive and exhausting. How do I tell someone to just shut up without being accused of being the “fun police”?

This would drive anyone crazy, so I don’t think you are the fun police. You have the patience of a saint not to have turned around already and told them to zip it. So given all that, a conversation is in order either with the person themselves or your supervisor.

One easy out is to ask to move desks. Tell your boss about your co-worker’s behaviour and ask (beg?!) to sit somewhere else. Alternatively, have a conversation with your co-worker and let them know while they may intend to be light-hearted, you are finding it intrusive and tiring. It is as simple as that. They really do need to focus on their own work and not bother you about yours.

My manager’s 50th is next month and the team started a group chat to organise a “surprise” $200 joint gift — not optional, apparently. HR’s already in on it. I like my boss, but I can’t afford that right now. How do I decline without causing a drama?

I would like to think your manager would be horrified to know people in their team were being forced to contribute to a present for them, especially if it is beyond anyone’s means. A “compulsory” gift shouldn’t come out of the pockets of employees. Speak to HR (if they are organising it) and explain that while you like your boss, you don’t think this is something employees should pay for. I would not be shy in explaining that this is beyond your financial means and has not been factored into your personal budget. Your goal is to get their help in adjusting the expectation away from this being the kind of expense any team members to have to cover and making it a company expense.

To submit a question about work, careers or leadership, visit kirstinferguson.com/ask. You will not be asked to provide your name or any identifying information. Letters may be edited.

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