With a wag of his finger, Trump has broken Australia’s most sacred rule

2 weeks ago 10

Opinion

September 19, 2025 — 10.55am

My middle son was 11 when he hid in the back of his dad’s truck for a drive to the beach. He was gleeful, I was freaked out the truck would roll over or some such, and he’d die. So I went full Hector the Road Safety Cat and dobbed him in.

That lad is now 30 and still often calls me Super Grass. Also Halfdog. Yep, a meshing of my surname and the dog act that was snitching.

Pointing the finger ... US President Donald Trump.

I have to wear it. Growing up in Australia when I did, there were three rules drilled into us harder than the times tables. Don’t wear school shoes on weekends. Don’t eat the black jelly bean. And for the love of Tony Barber, do not dob.

Dobbing was social suicide. Worse than the crime. You’d be the rat condemned to eat your ham roll alone on the hot asphalt.

So I can’t stop laughing at Donald Trump waltzing blindly into our cultural DNA and threatening to dob on the ABC’s John Lyons when he potentially meets Anthony Albanese next week.

It’s like the drunkest person on the hen’s night telling everyone else they’re embarrassing.

Sure, Trump has big dibber dobber energy. You can see him as a giant blocky kid, reporting someone for having a piece of chewy under the desk. But this is more of a misstep than that video of him clicking his fingers while dancing, as if he’s at a Cuban dance hall with Todd McKenney.

Australia is a country where we’ll forgive a bloke for reversing into your letterbox before we forgive him for squealing. Trump surely cannot believe that Albo – raised in public housing, as you may have heard, and thus an expert in tough playground rules – will respond well to tattling.

Just so we’re clear, dobbing isn’t the same as speaking up. If your kid tells you about bullying or that something happened at a sleepover, that’s smart and brave. Calling the cops if you see a machete gang? Community safety.

Dobbing is pure self-interest. Telling tales to get someone else smacked or removed from a vehicle while you smirk from the sidelines.

All of this is excellent news for Albanese that could lead to an unlikely superhero redemption opportunity after years of being lacklustre and a bruising week when two security deals went wobbly.

Pat Cummins aside, Albo is the captain of Australia. So he has no choice but to live and model our values. He literally cannot fold and throw Lyons under the bus to keep Trump happy.

How unreal for everyone playing along at home, waiting to see if the PM claws back public love by having the guts to stare down the most powerful whinger on earth and say, “that’s not how we roll, champ”.

Standing up for cobbers is what we do. And John Lyons isn’t just any cobber – not some “fake news loser” as Trump called it. He’s a journalist from the ABC. The ABC that’s yours, mine, Albo’s.

The best cautionary tale about what happens when pollies go down the dobbing route? Look no further than Tony Abbott. In 2015, the then-PM announced a $1 million “dob in a dealer” hotline to fight the ice epidemic.

I mean, I would have thought there was already a hotline called Triple Zero where anyone could just call the cops, but whatever. The hotline had some success, although 2021’s final report into the National Ice Action Strategy was “unable to evaluate” its “evaluability”.

The kicker? Karma proved dobbers never win. In 2021, Tone was reported and fined for not wearing a face mask in Manly during the pandemic. “I never thought dobbing and snitching was part of the Australian character,” he said. Could not be better comedy.

Anyway, the whole Trump dobbing thing is hilarious and terrifying in equal measure. Could the AUKUS submarine deal really be sunk over social etiquette? Stranger things have happened.

Bottom line: Donald, snitches get stitches. If Albo looks you in the eye and says that, he’ll be a legend.

And hey Felix, next lifetime you can take your chances in the truck. I’ll hop in with you.

Kate Halfpenny is founder of Bad Mother Media. Her new book, Boogie Wonderland, is out now.

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