My boss praises everyone but me and it’s affecting my confidence. Should I say something?

3 months ago 21

Each week, Dr Kirstin Ferguson tackles questions on workplace, career and leadership in her advice column Got a Minute? This week: a lack of positive feedback, broaching a conversation about advancement and dealing with a privileged colleague.

It can be disheartening to witness your boss praising everyone else but you.

I’m a leader working in a fast-paced and competitive environment. I really like my boss, but I’ve been struggling with something lately. He often talks about how well other people are doing, but I don’t hear the same kind of feedback myself. There is one colleague in particular he provides opportunities to over me, even though I am more senior. I work really hard and care a lot about my role, but lately, I’ve started to feel like I’m falling short. I’ve lost a lot of confidence, and in meetings where I should be contributing strategically, I find myself second guessing everything and coming across unsure of myself. I don’t know whether I should say something to my boss or just let it go.

You seem to really be struggling with self-doubt. Has something happened to cause you to second guess yourself? While your boss may be praising your colleague, that doesn’t mean they don’t also feel highly about you. It isn’t a zero-sum game.

If you speak with your boss about your performance, I would remove any mention of, or comparison to, your colleague. Focus on asking your boss for feedback on how you are doing or where he thinks you are adding the most value. You clearly care about your work and your role, and you want the opportunity to do more. Share this with your boss. Focus on where you think you are ready to contribute more and ask him how he can help you step up to those opportunities. The more you think about your colleague, the less you focus on the one thing you can control – you. Good luck!

I switched companies in 2024 and during the interview I showed keen interest to be a project manager – the next level up to my position. My manager said they would review after one year but unfortunately, that manager left, and my new manager isn’t aware of the history. I don’t necessarily want to be a project manager, but I need a step up and don’t want to leave the company as I like the team and culture. How should I convince my new manager to give me a chance? I have made a list of my achievements for the past 18 months which includes mentoring someone, but I am unsure how to navigate through this.

One sentence in your letter jumped out at me – you are not sure if you even want to be a project manager. If that is the case, then why not get clear on what you do want. Having a new manager is a great opportunity to have this conversation again and set out clearly your goals for the future. Let them know what you have been working hard at, where you would like to head and perhaps seek their advice on how to get there. Explain the history with your past manager and the agreement to step up to the next level after a year. Who knows? Your new manager may even have a better idea in mind for you. The sooner you have the conversation, the better.

A woman has been hired whose husband earns a lot of money. She tells stories every five minutes about their luxury weekend escapes, and how her house is full of designer homewares. The staff avoid her at all costs to escape the vacuous conversations. Our manager thinks our issue with her is trivial, but it is impacting our entire team as we are fed up with hearing about her lifestyle. How would you suggest we address this with her? It seems no one can escape, even the office cleaner is subjected to it when she empties the desk bins.

While it would be nice to think we are all aware of the impact we have on others, many of us miss the mark. It sounds like your colleague doesn’t realise how she is coming across. You don’t need to be mean about it and avoid her at all costs. Maybe just gently explain you are happy for her, but not everyone in the team has the same financial freedom which can make it difficult to find ways to connect in the team. Change the subject to talk about other things. Ultimately, you are all going to need to find a way to work with her even if this aspect of her personality frustrates you.

To submit a question about work, careers or leadership, visit kirstinferguson.com/ask. You will not be asked to provide your name or any identifying information. Letters may be edited.

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