Meet Generation Z’s emergency matchmaker. Me

3 months ago 17

It turns out that I may indeed end up having a third career. Journalist. Academic. And now?

My name is Jenna and I’m here to help. Yes, I’ve always wanted to be a matchmaker. Turns out that Generation Z is in urgent need. News this week that those beleaguered kids, born alongside their parents’ phone addiction, aren’t getting any. Love, that is. Just over half of Gen Z adults are in a relationship compared with two-thirds of Millennials, three-quarters of Gen Xers and nearly all of us Boomers. OK, 80 per cent.

Dating tips for young people. Ditch the dating apps. Ask your friends to introduce you to their cousins instead.

So I plan to set up a matchmaking service in which the only bit you can do online is the email as the first point of contact. The rest? Your raw animal magnetism unleashed. Bit of a wash, bit of a lesson in how to ask questions and listen (called conversation in the olden days), actual foreplay (we may get to that a little bit later. See what I did there?).

When I was a girl reporter, I interviewed a spectacular woman called Yvonne Allen. She was a full-time matchmaker, incredibly busy. And I loved her approach. She knew perfection was a ridiculous goal. Just before she retired – after decades in the business and hundreds of successful relationships hatched – she told the Australian Financial Review: “We have reached a crisis state: look at the millions and millions of people who are out there saying, ‘Not for me, not for me’, just by looking at a photo. If you meet somebody who you enjoyed meeting, but you don’t think there is likely to be a spark, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep seeing them. The spark is often the distraction. It’s a lovely thing to let simmer.”

We need more simmering and fewer instant noodles. I’m sure unHinged, Binder and Kinda are just fine but the reflex to swipe is so ingrained, one tiny thing could just put you off. It’s not like buying a hoodie, people. There’s a human being on the other side of that screen, just waiting for love or at least a consensual cuddle.

So why not get a human involved? Me, for instance. I even have a name for my new business. Want to meet progressive soulmates? Try Keeper Left, a new matchmaking service for those looking for love. Or at least a shag with a person who – absolutely, definitely – doesn’t want to choke you. Some 2017 research from the University of Saskatchewan found both matchmakers and clients found less alienation and greater human and emotional dimensions in matchmaking as compared with other dating methods. “Matchmaking can be understood as a backlash in response to the rootlessness inherent in … liquid modernity.” Rootlessness being the operative word here.

Natalie Giannoukos was once Yvonne Allen’s head matchmaker and now she has her own place: ONA Matchmaking. She blames what we all blame; the superficiality of social media, everybody is way too fussy, too particular.

“Online dating is trying to find out everything in five minutes … it’s tick-a-box.”

So at the risk of attracting those deeply unkind OK Boomer comments, may I direct you to a quote from the greatest relationship classic of all time: “If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with.”

Some tips for the young people. Ditch the dating apps. Ask your friends to introduce you to their cousins. Ask your cousins to introduce you to their friends. Take a few risks, even with someone who doesn’t immediately bowl you over. Having sex on the first, second or third date is unlikely to kill you. (Ignore Materialists.)

Anyone signing up to my services must hand over a complete internet search history or go back to Tinge. That’s material to any relationship.

That one-night stand might not be wildly interesting or successful but on the other hand, it could be. Without wishing to be too graphic (well, yeah, I’d like to be, but you know, mainstream media these days), these things take time.

Got a job? Become the person who says: “Let’s organise a picnic in the great outdoors.” Or a visit to a bowling alley. Or whatever is not in front of a screen, either big or little. See people in real life.

As a young woman, I don’t think I thought every bloke would be Mr Right – and certainly for the first few years I just hoped that I’d meet Mr Pretty Good or Mr Near Enough. So can I blame Gen Z for their own failings? Look, I’d like to, but I think there are some mitigating circumstances.

They were born – and grew up – in this time of alienation. Interaction is on screens, where you can’t smell or touch or taste. Sure, you can see, although barely. But about half of the beginning of a new relationship is that raw animal magnetism I mentioned earlier. Or even vaguely cute, cooked (in a good way) and smells delicious. This last one is pretty important, IMHO.

Why the search history? Might be good to avoid having sex with someone who was trained on porn and by Andrew Tate. Erk. The choking. The violence. The desire to be smooth and silky in everywhere all at once. I’m not an effing Barbie doll and definitely don’t have a vulva like hers either. And I would never have wanted to have sex with Ken. Hair is tufty, tickly and gorgeous (and if I write that I find my lovely husband’s hairiness and beardiness erotic, my children will never speak to me again).

Now, the small problem of the word “relationship”. I’m pretty sure I started saying I had a boyfriend after my first kiss. Adorable. In someone’s backyard with a spotty young bloke who had braces. Would I have used the word relationship? Unlikely. But boyfriend? Sure and yes, please. From Mr Spotty to Mr Unusual Penis to Mr Incredibly Unfaithful to Mr Not Very Interesting. But to get a go, you have to have a go, or whatever that ridiculous phrase is.

New research from the Netherlands tells us that structured formats like matchmaking may emphasise shared values and long-term compatibility, whereas fast, visually driven settings – such as dating apps or speed dating – tend to highlight superficial traits. Well, der.

Time to move on and move up. I am open for business.

Jenna Price is a regular columnist for The Sydney Morning Herald.

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