Help! My new partner doesn’t wash his hands after going to the toilet

Q: I’ve met a lovely man. But the other day, I heard him go to the toilet for a long session, then come out without washing his hands. No mistake about it, the soap was bone-dry when I checked. Now I feel reluctant to hold hands or get intimate with him. Please help! T.S., Mildura, VIC

A: Aww, what a romantic scenario to share on Valentine’s Day. You lurking outside the bathroom while your man is in there, your ear pressed against the door like a detective on Law  & Order: Special Toilet Unit. And when he comes out, hiding behind a pot plant until he’s gone, then sneaking in to do your surveillance work: examining the moisture content of the soap, inspecting the dampness quotient of the hand towel, counting the remaining toilet-roll squares to confirm that it was an actual sit-down, square-using session.

But do you really know what he was doing in there? He may have just been plucking his inner nostrils. Men do that in bathrooms: our nose hairs regrow every 15 minutes; it’s a part-time job. Or he may have gone in there to get some time out from you because you’re always following him around everywhere, checking on him, ducking down behind pot plants.

But if you’re right, here’s a handy little handwashing tip that might help: men are very open to self-improvement when  it comes to intimacy ultimatums. Subtly suggest that you’ll be withholding all spicy activity until he improves his bathroom hygiene, and I guarantee he’ll start washing his hands about 200 times a day. You’ll be going through a bar of soap every hour. His hands will be so puckered and blistered and raw from frenzied over-scrubbing, you won’t want them going anywhere near  you. But you made your promise. Now you’ve got to see it through.