Help! Gathering mail for neighbours in the holidays is driving me postal

Over many years, I’ve been the MAIL-GATHERER for several neighbours when they go away on holiday. How do I politely but firmly say, “I’m over it”?

S.K., Canterbury, VIC

Credit: Illustration by Simon Letch

A: In capitalising MAIL-GATHERER, you clearly understand the importance of the role. Only the most respected members of the street get asked to gather mail when neighbours go away; the rest of us are only offered lowly jobs like Bin-Taker-Outer, Bin-Bringer-Backer and Pet-Still-Alive-
Checker (occasionally tied in with Bin-Taker-Outer).

But the Mail-Gatherer is a highly trusted individual. You have to safeguard your neighbour’s mail. You get to see who’s sending them what. And you can even Google the P.O. Box number on plain government envelopes to find out if it’s a traffic fine or a rectal polyp-screening result.

But I also get why many may shun the responsibility. First, it’s unpaid, which is a biggie. Second, it’s hard work: you have to regularly look in your neighbours’ letterboxes, flicking off spiderwebs and snails, and separate electricity bills from flyers for pre-paid funeral plans with flexible payment options. And you have to pick up delivered packages: a 20-kilogram bag of dog kibble; a 30-piece set of gym weights; an IKEA king-size bed base that comes in 412 separate boxes (three holding bed parts, 409 holding tiny wooden dowel thingies that don’t seem to fit anywhere).

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So if you’ve had enough of mail-gathering, just do the respectable, honest thing and lie to your neighbours’ faces. Tell them that you’re thinking of possibly going away yourself. Tell them you’ve developed chronic, holiday-season agoraphobia. Tell them you can’t bend down to open letterboxes or lift packages because of rectal polyps. They’ll understand. They’ll just find someone new. A Bin-Taker-Outer who’s shown tremendous enthusiasm and promise and who wants to move up the neighbour-duty ladder.

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