Wides sprayed to first slip and the fine leg fence, shoulders dislocated and broken, and free selection advice from the other side of the world.
It feels like an Ashes tour already. Or, to be particularly glib, one of Billy Birmingham’s 12th man skits.
The last act of England’s captivating five-Test series against India began with drama once again at The Oval, with the home side losing fast bowler Chris Woakes to a suspected dislocated shoulder that left him in agony after diving in the outfield.
A crunched series schedule to fit England’s heavily privatised Hundred league into August has left the likes of injured skipper Ben Stokes and Woakes overworked, and other seamers underdone due to a patchy first-class circuit.
None more so than potential Ashes tourist Josh Tongue, who sprayed his first over upon returning to the side for 11 wides.
With a nod to Steve Harmison’s iconically wayward start to the disastrous 2006-07 Ashes, Tongue’s first and fifth balls of the day swung well down legside for boundaries. His fourth offering went the other way, petering along to be taken by wicketkeeper Jamie Smith in front of first slip.
Tongue’s rotation back into the English side for the first time in a month allowed him only one 16-over first-class hit-out between the second and fifth Tests, while Gus Atkinson came into the contest having played just one second XI game since May.
Atkinson didn’t miss a beat, finishing with 2-31 and running out Shubman Gill in his follow-through - a calamitous turn for India as they finished day one at 6-204 on a vivid London green top.
England are leading the series 2-1, though a seam-friendly Oval pitch should offer a result to keep Indian hopes of a drawn campaign alive.
For all the theatrics, hand-wringing over handshakes, sledging and grandstanding of a cranky, combative series, England’s bowlers have endured an especially wearying summer.
Stokes’ supreme all-round efforts, Jofra Archer’s carefully managed return and Tongue’s first-Test scalps aside, this has been a batter’s campaign.
Josh Tongue sprayed his first over for England everywhere in the fifth Test against India.Credit: @LFC_Cricket
At The Oval Tongue mixed a couple of peaches with deliveries sprayed both sides of the stumps as he and Jamie Overton struggled with their footing in greasy conditions.
In all England conceded 30 extras after a summer of supreme batting pitches had worn down bowlers on both sides of the ledger - both Jofra Archer and Jasprit Bumrah are being rested for the final Test.
Josh Tongue did get his radar back online, eventually.Credit: Getty Images
Stokes’ predicted 10-week recovery time from a shoulder injury followed 140 overs from the English skipper - easily the most he has ever bowled in a series.
He and Woakes are both expected to be fit for November’s Ashes, but will have precious little time leading into it once they’re back in full training.
Australia has their own problems at the top-order - chiefly a lack of runs and standout replacements to step in for those not scoring them.
And veteran tweaker Nathan Lyon could see the folly in answering a question on England’s spin stocks during a Westpac sponsorship announcement in soggy Sydney on Thursday. But offered his thoughts anyway.
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“I know you guys are going to run with it,” Lyon said, “but in my eyes Jack Leach is still their best spinner.”
Leach hasn’t played a Test since October last year, but Lyon favours his control despite 1.93cm Shoaib Bashir already being anointed England’s No.1 spinner for the Australian summer, in hope of his bounce replicating the bounce Lyon extracts from his home pitches.
“Bashir has been OK … Jacob Bethell is playing in this Test match and he looks like he’ll take up the spin bowling. (There’s also) Liam Dawson.
“But in my eyes Jack Leach is still their best spinner… That’s nothing against Bashir or Liam Dawson or anything like that. I just feel like Jack Leach is a high-class spinner.“
Lyon went on to acknowledge the “massive role” a touring spinner can play in Australia, and the struggles of champions like Muttiah Muralitharan, Graeme Swann and Harbhajan Singh.
“It can be a massive challenge for people who haven’t done it in the past in these conditions,” Lyon said.
“But I’m not going to let the secrets out so they come out here and perform well.“
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